


your eyes will lead me straight back home

by prettyoddity



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Drunken Kissing, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mild Language, Minor Character Death, Multi, Mutual Pining, a lot of emotions, i swear this turned out different from my original plan, is this ooc, other characters that show up later on are not in the tags bc they're just minorly mentioned, the f/m relationship is just brief though, trigger warning in later chapters!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-02-03 13:18:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12749115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyoddity/pseuds/prettyoddity
Summary: "...yes, you! Shut up. You're someone that has played a huge role in my life. I'm really thankful for that. You're my best friend. You've seen me get wasted, seen me get angry, and seen how much uglier I get when I cry. You put up with me no matter what. I wouldn't want anybody else but you to have the privilege of knowing these things about me. Is it weird to say that you're like my soulmate? I would use that to describe you, but, well, you're more like my home. Scratch that— you are my home."Just tells the story of the main events that led to where the two of them came to be.





	1. all i want is nothing more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! this is my 2nd published work. i'm leaving my 1st work, regretfully, on hiatus, for the time being as i focus more on this one. writing chaptered fics is a real pain, but i'm doing my best to make this story worth reading!
> 
> the title of this chapter comes from a lyric from the song 'all i want' by kodaline.
> 
> (sorry in advance for any grammatical errors— english is not my first language, but i made sure that everything was correct.)
> 
> enjoy~

It's a dormitory room— walls painted a dark blue, seemingly black, due to the time of day when the moonlight shines in through the small windows. Five empty energy drink bottles are scattered on the floor, along with multiple crumpled and teared pieces of paper. Next to a laptop left open, two mugs are placed on the tiny coffee table; one being empty, and the other halfway filled with cold, abandoned coffee. A pile of textbooks and notebooks are stacked near the foot of the sofa in a way that is anything but organized.

 

This setting isn't uncommon for the two sleeping figures on the couch. Sure, their hands are intertwined— that's not exactly something that Lee Jihoon gets to luxuriously enjoy every day, and Kwon Soonyoung's face is so close to his that he should be freaking out at this point— but, no, the both of them are fucking asleep.

 

The night before had been filled with nothing but studying and cramming and doing something, anything. For the most part, it was cram. And, oh yeah, the two occasionally bickering at each other.

 

Soonyoung, however, wasn't even part of Jihoon's plan that night. He arrived at Jihoon's door at exactly 10:08 PM. Soonyoung knows that it takes Jihoon about two minutes to answer the door. And he does just that. Perfect.

 

Soonyoung flashes the latter a bright smile— perfect post-braces teeth on display, cheeks puffing out, and eyes curving upward as he does so, “What time is it now?”

“Look, Soonyoung,” Jihoon sighs, and scrubs a sweater covered palm (Sweater paws!!! Soonyoung will contain his feels just tonight.) over his eyes, “I know it's the tenth minute of the twenty-second hour of the day. But i'm not going to tolerate an overgrown child in my residence because I still have three essays to finish and we have four major exams the next day and I need to start on a song due by the end of this week so, no, you cannot ente—”

“Don't act like we aren't going through the same thing, Jihoonie~ And who are you calling an overgrown child?! I'll help with the essays, I already finished two. And we'll review for the exams together!! There's like, four months until graduation. Were we or were we not planning to go to the university of our dreams together? You even said you wouldn't survive without me~”

Jihoon flushes, confused if it was because the taller called him by that god-forsaken nickname again, or if it was because he knows very well he said those words himself, “I-I was shitfaced at the time!! Shut your mouth or you'll be sorry, Kwon.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, Lee,” Soonyoung says, with a mockingly sarcastic tone. “But do let me in!” He smiles once more, “I even have a choreo due in 3 days to polish up and perform, and yet another performance the day before that. but here I am, offering you help. I'll help in giving ideas for your song too!! I'll be good, I promise,” Soonyoung begs as he looks down at his smaller friend with a pout.

 

“...Alright then. The moment you exhibit any weird ass behavior I will be kicking you out.”

“Assa! That's my best friend,” Soonyoung responds as he steps inside, and messes with Jihoon's hair.

 

Jihoon feels mildly inconvenienced, but no, he's not going to admit that he likes that Soonyoung's here, and finds his presence comforting. He's also not going to acknowledge the fact that his cheeks felt hot when the boy ruffled his head. No.

 

* * *

 

To Jihoon's surprise, that night had been unexpectedly productive. He obviously knew that the elder was a hard worker and strictly did what he wanted done, done; (It's not like Jihoon finds that sexy or anything. No.) but sometimes Soonyoung could be a distracting handful. Tonight was different, though.

 

The numbers on Soonyoung's phone read 1:26 when he feels a hand pull his own. He turns around to meet Jihoon eye to eye, and the shorter tells him to stay. He's about to head home but, ah, he likes it when Jihoon is calm and soft and bashful, which happens like, once in three blue moons.

 

“You should stay here for tonight, you know,” Jihoon says, in a small, quiet voice. His head had lowered, breaking their eye contact, and the tips of his blond hair are obscuring his eyes. He hopes that Soonyoung doesn't notice how hot his face is or how much his hands are trembling.

 

Soonyoung does, though. He always does. He sees right through the other, even if he doesn't mean to. He decides not to acknowledge Jihoon's behavior, pushing all recurring thoughts far away to the section of his brain called “No, your NOT GAY best friend is NOT in love with you and you over-analyze too much, dumb fuck."

 

(He concludes that this is the same old Jihoon, always doing everything alone, not bothering to ask any help or company from anybody else. He hasn't changed. It's always Soonyoung who takes up any chance to be with him. He can proudly say that this is the thing he's best at.)

 

Soonyoung sighs in defeat. He knows he can't say no to Jihoon. Not when the younger had always been the type to bottle up his feelings, never talk about it with anyone, and let out his emotions only when alone. Soonyoung would like it if Jihoon wasn't so lonely and sad. But considering the recent events in his best friend's life, Soonyoung thinks he'd feel lonely and sad too if he was in Jihoon's shoes. Still, it doesn't change the fact that seeing Jihoon down makes himself feel down as well.

 

He gives the younger a small smile, “Alright...” he says slowly, “Alright. Is my toothbrush still around here somewhere?”

 

To his relief, Jihoon smiles back, “Of course it is. Soonyoung... thank you, for understanding. I mean, i-it's already dark out and it's dangerous— I heard there'd be a storm, you know, your mom might be worried, so I don't want anything bad to happen if you go out and I'm sorr—”

“—You don't have to apologize for anything, Hoonie. You aren't bothering me. I don't want you to feel bad about yourself. Not when you're still, I don't know, in shock. With all the things that just suddenly happened. Don't worry about me. I always tell you that, yeah? I'll be here for you.”

 

Jihoon's actually genuinely touched by those words. He's so used to have grown up being taught to never show any weakness, that he's forgotten what being comforted and reassured and told words of gentleness feels like. He thinks he's actually about to cry, but he thinks he better not.

 

(Even after the six years they've known each other, Jihoon always forgets how sensitive and mindful Soonyoung always was. He knew exactly which words gave the other ease, even if it wasn't a lot. He knew how to handle the other, especially in the earlier years, when Jihoon had wronged himself so, so many times. The two of them have come a long way since then.)

 

Jihoon nods, and shyly meets the taller's eyes.

 

It's quiet until Soonyoung yawns before he speaks up again, “The both of us should get some rest. Especially you, Ji. Let's work on your song tomorrow, okay? Meet me at the usual place, usual time?”

 

Usual place, usual time. The little things like this have always been that way between the two of them, and Jihoon knows better than to fuck up that familiarity.

 

“...Okay.” He replies, and gives Soonyoung a small smile.

 

* * *

 

So by 1:43, a small figure is curled up on the sofa, lying on his side, so that he faces the edge.

 

Earlier, he insisted that the elder should sleep on his bed.

 

But Soonyoung, (though older only by 5 months) insisted that he won't sleep until Jihoon had. He knew that Jihoon had bad sleeping habits, and was stubborn to no end; so he watched over the younger, while he seated himself on the floor by the couch.

 

After a few minutes, Soonyoung sighs as he watches Jihoon's eyes flutter closed, breathing steady and face peaceful. He could get used to a sight like this every night. Yeah, right, in his dreams.

 

“What am I going to do with you, Jihoon? I just... want to know how you're coping up. Must feel like hell being alone here. I'd stay all the time— if I could. I care, stupid,” he whispers quietly.

 

He checks if Jihoon really was asleep one more time, until he settles with facing him by the edge of the couch. He whispers underneath his breath, “And I love you. Goodnight.”

 

At least, he thought had drifted off to sleep.

 

I guess that's how the boy with a mop of obnoxiously bright orange hair ended up sleeping sitting down, his head and arms resting on the edge of the couch. Jihoon cautiously peeks at Soonyoung's face, the close proximity flustering him. Had they not been this close, Jihoon wouldn't hear the last thing soonyoung said. But he did. Surely, the latter had meant 'love' in a TOTALLY platonic way. Right? Right. Jihoon's just crazy.

 

Even if his feelings are waging a war in the small space between him and Soonyoung, Jihoon decides to sleep on it. He'll need it anyway. He can overthink for another time, right?

 

He shivers underneath the blanket, which was clearly not providing enough warmth for him. He now kind of wishes he'd slept in the same bed as Soonyoung, like that one time on a particularly chilly night during summer camp a few years back, when they were snuggled together near the campfire, underneath that sleeping bag. Wow, it's really not a good time to remember that. but Jihoon sighs, resorting to his own body warmth alone. He pulls the sleeves of his sweater down— a habit he's grown into doing.

 

(Jihoon then realizes that Soonyoung already racked an idea in his brain for the song. I mean, he could do something with the concept of... being with someone— someone who was so close, and perfectly in reach; yet the truth was that their hearts felt so, so far— so perfectly out of reach, with too many feelings and thoughts and fears being the obstacles that held the two of them back from breaching the distance.)

 

Huh. Or he could completely disregard whatever he's fucking feeling, and just write a song about that one couple he watched on a TV drama.

 

Jihoon doesn't want to admit it, but he's _terrified_ of assessing his feelings. He decides on the easier option.

 

That was the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading up until here. seriously!! comments and kudos are very much appreciated!! it serves as inspiration for me to do better.
> 
> i'm usually pretty busy but 2nd instalment should be out hopefully in max 2 weeks time. i might even double update if time allows me!!
> 
> (i'm also on twitter. hmu or go and cry with me abt soonhoon on @prlnceksy)


	2. easy like a day goes by, you and i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe that's the thing  
> easy like a day goes by, you and i  
> getting on our way like a lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title comes from the song 'thing about us' by steve moakler.
> 
> please take in consideration that i have v limited (not to mention mostly self discovered) knowledge in the field of basketball so . yell at me if im wrong with some things !!! thanks and enjoy this more fluff less angst second instalment

Just as he avoided that steal from the opposing team, Kwon Soonyoung estimates the ring's distance from his position, and proceeds to shoot the ball in in perfect timing before the buzzer rings a good half second after, indicating the end of the second quarter. He earns his team a lead of three (THREE, he can't believe it either) points.

 

This is, in fact, not a serious competitive match in any way. He and some other guys from his school are up against some mates from his dance crew, along with some of their guys from their school. Soonyoung deadass just joined in on the spot halfway through the first quarter, during a time-out.

 

Soonyoung drinks from a bottle of water, running a hand through his faded orange— pretty much turned blond, sweat matted hair, and lets his adrenaline-powered nerves rest before the last quarter starts. His gaze is directed upwards; eyes flashing across the outdoor court's bleachers' area.

He stops when he catches a glimpse of Lee Jihoon, hair newly dyed a vibrant red that very day. Today is a relatively humid day too, but Jihoon is still seen with conservative clothing— like he always is. Soonyoung's eyes begin to focus on trailing somewhere else, but he can't help but go back and keep watching Jihoon, who was talking with some other kids who were on the opposing school's side.

 

Alright. Soonyoung's going to admit that, yes, he did feel a strange tug at his heart when he watched Jihoon talk with that guy next to him. He even laughed when the guy showed him something on his phone. It's strange. Soonyoung shakes off his thoughts. It's nothing. He's just overreacting, probably. Being an overprotective dad, like Jihoon would sometimes say. Plus, it's not like Jihoon was gay, or anything. Soonyoung doesn't get why he's acting like this.

 

(And besides, Soonyoung has maybe been taking a liking in that girl from dance, so he'll just have to see how things turn out.)

 

He snaps out of his thoughts when a female voice coming from behind him calls his name. Speak of the devil.

 

"Soonyoung!" she calls out, stopping in her tracks, sending a wave towards him.

He turns around to smile and wave back, "Hi, Chungha! You're late, huh?"

 

Two can play at that game. She smirks and accepts, "Just because i arrived already halfway through the game, it doesn't mean _I_ was the one who nearly crashed face flat against the practice room glass door from running late last week!"

 

Soonyoung can't believe so many people probably heard that. He flushes in embarrassment. Some guys, also from dance, cheer her on. Oh, the cruel betrayal.

 

He playfully rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at her. Chungha sticks her tongue out back, "Be right back, Hosh, I'll meet up with the others!" she calls, and disappears within the crowd of other kids towards the bleachers'.

 

Soonyoung laughs. He turns away from where she was, only to make eye contact with Jihoon. Soonyoung flails his arms above his head as a wave to the younger. Jihoon laughs, and sends back a small wave of his hand.

 

"Good luck, Soonyoung! Don't trip over your feet or something. You'll look stupid." Jihoon calls out in between chuckles.

 

Soonyoung sighs fondly, and shoots him a wide smile, "I won't!! I look cool no matter what, you know! Thanks."

 

(And in that moment, Jihoon swears that Soonyoung was the human embodiment of the centre of the solar system. That smile never does get old.)

 

The buzzer to signify the start of the third quarter sounds.

 

* * *

 

Jihoon's cheers that get louder by every shot Soonyoung makes are— really, the only sounds that are getting to his ears right now.

 

Soonyoung's been reminded by his fellow teammates to not get distracted, but his attention span sure isn't quite catching up to this rule yet. He can't help but steal quick glances toward one specific spot by the bleachers'. He can't help but have a stupid smile plastered on his face— one that was wide enough to reach his ears, whenever he heard that certain voice cheering for him. It's laughable.

 

Currently, the opposing team has their hands on the ball. Soonyoung looks for a way to get around and steal it. He didn't mean to, but he locks eyes with Jihoon from the other side of the court, yet it results in the latter turning away a bit too quickly, and Soonyoung lingering his gaze for a bit more longer.

 

(Soonyoung can't really tell if the other was just as flustered as he was, or if Jihoon was only surpised and Soonyoung was overthinking again. He decides not to dwell on it, like he normally does. What good will it do if he, not in a literal sense, tried reading Jihoon's mind? Tried assuming things about him? Nothing good, right? A normal, functioning 'best friend' would be smart enough to ask the other person directly, so obviously he's going to do th—)

 

—It's only in a matter of half a second when Soonyoung's head is hit with something solid, and he realizes that spacing out and directing his attention to his feet in the middle of a game wasn't really the wisest thing to do. His head wasn't really just "Hit with something solid." It was more of a, "Strongly hit on the back of his head by the ball with an impact so sudden that he tumbled down and earned a few scratches." Yeah. That one.

 

It's official. Overthinking will be the death of Kwon Soonyoung.

 

Everything is a flurry of heads and hair around him, and an incoherent calling of his name. He landed all knees and elbows on the rough, cemented ground. His head is also kind of pounding. Ugh, that's probably not good.

 

The game, Soonyoung assumes, has paused for a while, as he's led to sit on the timeout bench. An apology reaches his ears, and he nods, telling him it was fine, not bothering to open his eyes to see who hit him. He reassures everyone else asking if he was okay, and he slumps back down onto the bench.

 

A few moments later, a hand is placed on his shoulder. He weakly jumps when he's met with Jihoon's face, which was written with an expression of worry. He's startled when he realizes he surprised the older, "S-sorry, Soonyoung!" He apologizes, fiddling with the hem of his long sleeves, pulling them down. 

"It's fine, Jihoon," he replies, with a sheepish smile.

 

Jihoon raises an eyebrow, "You don't look fine though. Come with me," he claims, offering a hand out.

"Hm, but, I'm okay? It's just a little scratch," Soonyoung insists, not wanting to get up.

"Yeah, a lot of little scratches. Emphasis on the scratches. Doesn't your head hurt? I think it does." He implies.

 

Soonyoung thinks about it for a while, and then he sighs before taking the other's hand. "I'm only doing this because you'll get angry at me if i don't obey you."

 

Jihoon smiles in satisfaction, "That's right."

 

* * *

 

The shorter boy leads the taller down their school's hallway. They arrive at Jihoon's locker, and he retrieves a bag from the inside. He's ushered by Jihoon into the— wait, what? The restrooms?

 

"Yah, Jihoon, I thought we were going to the clinic?"

 

Jihoon sighs, "Soonyoung, we're at school on a weekend. You know that nurses don't go here on the weekends, dumb dumb."

 

Oh. Oh yeah.

 

"Go wash your hands," Jihoon commands, "And then wash your scratches on your knees and on your elbows— I'm pretty sure you know how to do that much."

 

Soonyoung playfully scoffs, "Uh, yeah. Of course I do. Who do you take me for, Lee Jihoon?"

"A fool. Go on wash now; your knee's been bleeding, you know."

 

Soonyoung obeys, and after a few minutes faces the other once he's done. Jihoon takes him outside for them to sit in the waiting lounge, then proceeds to open his small bag to reveal contents of first-aid essentials. Huh. Soonyoung didn't even know Jihoon had that kind of sfuff.

 

The younger wordlessly applies a wound solution onto a cotton ball, then hunches over to reach for Soonyoung's leg.

 

Okay. Jihoon has Soonyoung's leg under his grip. This is definitely not weird at all.

 

Soonyoung visibly tenses at the closeness because, damn— he did not expect that. He lets Jihoon do his thing as the cotton ball is dabbed onto the scrapes on his knees and lower leg.

 

They're sitting in silence and Jihoon's eyebrows are scrunched in concentration until he asks, "Does it sting?"

"Um, just a tiny bit. I'm fine, though."

"You got hit pretty hard but thankfully you only earned a few mild abrasions... Okay, I'm done here. Give me your arm," Jihoon replies, looking up at the elder.

 

The sudden eye contact startles him, yet Soonyoung offers his left arm and, wow, he really doesn't want to admit it, but he enjoys being taken care of. Not to mention by Jihoon too. It's... domestic. He sits there quietly and decides that, god, he likes it. (Soonyoung thinks he should earn himself wounds more often.) He wishes— oh, he _wishes_ he could get used to this.

 

Jihoon finishes up quickly, placing one last band-aid on the elder, then turning away to go clean up his stuff.

 

Soonyoung pouts, not getting the attention he wanted. He places a hand on the occupied Jihoon's head, and pats him. Running his fingers through strands of red, he (finally) spits out a flushed, "Thank you, Jihoonie." Soonyoung's just relieved he got to say that, and not completely fuck it up. (It would've definitely been worse if they were looking at each other.)

 

Jihoon pauses what he's doing, but doesn't say anything.

 

Soonyoung continues, "I mean, you know, you didn't— you didn't have to do that. I was okay? It was fine."

"But I did because I needed to. Wounds are meant to be cleaned. It's self-care," Jihoon shoots back, facing him, and sitting upright again.

"I'm not gonna out-stubborn you, Lee Jihoon, but thank you. Again."

"You're welcome."

 

Now, _this_ is weird. Jihoon's worried again that he and Soonyoung are getting more awkward with each other as the days go by. They usually have engaging chatter— none of that small talk crap. They always have. But Jihoon  ~~hopes~~  guesses that this unusual air was a temporary thing, because they've both been busy with their own things these days; not having any time to hang out with each other at all anymore.

 

(Nah. It's definitely okay. They have all winter break and summer to make it up to each other, and then entering college will be just fine.)

 

He's taken by surprise when Soonyoung lays his head down on Jihoon's lap. He makes that smug face at him and goes, "You know, I was really good earlier."

 

Jihoon scoffs, breaking the eye contact. "Yeah, so good that you got distracted and didn't see that ball coming."

"Shut up," Soonyoung says, hitting him. "At least now I know that Lee Jihoon cares about me. He probably thought I was so cool! I heard that he has a soft spot for me. He takes care of me~"

 

The younger flushes, and looks back down at him, "Your head is getting big, Kwon Soonyoung."

 

Said boy lets out a fake gasp. "Ouch. I'm hurt, Jihoonie. But I know you love me," he says, sticking his tongue out at him.

 

Christ. Jihoon thinks Soonyoung should stop saying so much meaningless crap. He'd sound smarter.

Ah, breathe in, Jihoon. It's not that deep. This was normal best friend banter.

He regains composure.

 

"I don't. You're loud and you shout at me over the phone at 3 in the morning and you annoy me in class and your farts smell bad. You a nasty ass, Kwon."

"Ji!! You're so harsh," he says, putting on a pouty face. "My farts don't smell bad, what the hell."

 

The younger chuckles at him.

 

"You should really smile more, Jihoonie. It's nice. It suits you."

"...I've never thought so, though. But thanks."

 

Soonyoung closes his eyes, and hums in response. "It does."

 

It's quiet. It's a comfortable silence, for once. He studies the elder's face, goes over all the features he's already too familiar with. His skin is smooth and taken care of and Jihoon holds back the urge to poke his cheeks. His lips are rosy and a little pouty— like they always were, and Jihoon holds back the thought of how soft they must be. Soonyoung uses lip balm a lot.

 

Jihoon shakes his head, looking up, and toward the rich autumn hues of the tree leaves outside. He can't think of Soonyoung that way. He shouldn't.

 

Soonyoung breaks the silence, with eyes still closed, "Huh. Mission Out-stubborn Lee Jihoon has failed," he says, laughing, then opening his eyes.

"Are you sleepy?"

"No. I'll be staying around, I'll watch the game."

"Well, I sure as hell am," the younger says, yawning.

 

Soonyoung feels his heart beat out of his chest. "I'm not finished with what I was saying."

 

He inhales in a deep breath.  _Don't fuck this up, Soonyoung. Now is a better time than ever._

 

He continues, in a narrator tone he always used for his silly skits. "Dear diary; even if Lee Jihoon refuses me all the time, it won't change the fact that I'm thankful for him, and love him dearly."

 

Okay. Jihoon is definitely sleepy, and Soonyoung is definitely always acting like a kid, but Jihoon very well knows that this is definitely _not_  a dream.

 

"What—" Jihoon starts, but is cut off by an intruder— no, uh, a person walking in. It's a girl.

 

Soonyoung sits back up almost immediately, his forehead crashing with Jihoon's.

 

"Ow, Kwon Soonyoung!"

"Ah!! I'm sorry, Jihoon!!!"

"Am I interrupting anything here?"

 

Jihoon stares at her. Oh. The girl from earlier.

 

She sends them both a pretty genuine smile. "I'm sorry if I am. I'll go now."

"No, it's fine, Chungha." Soonyoung says, smiling back.

"Oh, okay. I've been looking for you. Are you all good now?"

"Yeah!! I'm great. Thanks to him," Soonyoung gestures to Jihoon.

 

He meets her eyes and utters a small "Hello," and a smile.

"Thank you," she says to Jihoon, then turns back to Soonyoung. "Anyway, are we still on later, Soon? It's really okay if you plan to cancel. I understand."

"No!! I'm still on! I'd feel bad if I cancelled. I'm going, Chung."

 

Her features break into a smile, "Okay, then. See ya," she says, before walking out.

 

Jihoon shoots him a questioning look, and that was all it took for Soonyoung to fucking  _tremble_.

 

"Oh, that. Surprise! We've been going out, me and her. We're going on a, uh, date later..." he trails off.

 

And bam. Stupid, Jihoon. You're _stupid_.

 

Soonyoung looks down, finding himself oddly unable to meet his best friend's eyes.

 

Jihoon stands up. "Oh. Good luck, Soonyoung," he says rather bluntly, turning towards the door.

 

Soonyoung stands up as well. "Where are you going?"

"Home. To the dorms, I mean. I told you I was sleepy. I'm tired. I slept for like four hours. You aren't going back to your house after this, right?"

"Yeah, I'm not... Do you want me to see you off?"

"Soonyoung, I'm not a kid," the latter replies, turning to look at him. "The dorms are just nearby."

"But you know that I don't trust the kids 'round there."

 

Jihoon sighs. "And you know that I'm staying there for a reason. Don't worry. We've gone over this. It's not like I'll still be staying there next year, right?"

 

Right. Soonyoung drops it.

 

"Be safe, okay?"

"You too. Have fun. I mean it!" And Jihoon's smile when he said that seemed sincere.

 

He wishes he could. But Soonyoung doesn't like the unsettling guilty feeling enveloping his heart.

 

Jihoon's about to leave when Soonyoung says, "Wait."

 

He just wanted to get away. Go lie in his bed and contemplate about what to do. What else does this damn Soonyoung want?

 

"What? I'll text you when I get there, _dad_. I'll also scold you over text how you should take care of your head if it starts to hur—"

"—Thank you again. For today. I really mean it. I feel like we haven't had time for each other lately."

 

 _He feels the same way_ , Jihoon thinks.

 

"...Me too. Sorry for being a shit friend. And did you really just fucking cut me off?" he asks, glaring playfully at him.

"I did! And you aren't a shit friend, Jihoon. Not even close," Soonyoung replies, smiling brightly and pinching the shorter's cheeks.

 

Damn you to hell, Kwon Soonyoung.

 

* * *

 

He comes home to his dorm that was dark and quiet and lonely— just how he always hated it.

 

He faceplants onto his bed but Jihoon just can't sleep anymore. He doesn't want to.

 

He picks himself up and changes his clothes. The kitchen is the destination, and he makes himself coffee.

 

Might as well just tire himself out. Keeping distracted and busy is always the best way to run away from his thoughts.

 

_Stop sending me mixed signals._

 

Jihoon doesn't text him.

 

And that was the second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i joked. there was more angst in this than i had initially planned. woops
> 
> hi again. i feel like my writing is bad ;( this chapter took me so long to write. i was supposed to update this on the 22nd for jihoon's birthday but i wasn't finished yet. anyway thank you again so much for reading <333
> 
> just a warning: next chapter might be a little more intense. and by a little more intense i meant a WHOLE LOT more intense >:) in a bad way, too. sorry in advance if i'm utter shit at angst. next update should be out hopefully by next week!! tysm again


	3. sometimes living's too hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and we take jokes way too far  
> 'cause sometimes living's too hard  
> we're like two halves of one heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is a lil late,, i got stuck with writing this
> 
> chapter title comes from 'for him.' by troye sivan
> 
> trigger warnings: assault, rape attempt, mentions of self-harm. this chapter got a little dark so im rly sorry if u expected this fic to be soft for the rest of the chapters :(
> 
> honest opinion i really hate this chapter.

The lights are flashing in every direction, the sounds are buzzing by every corner, and the people are bumping against one another, wasted and sweaty and just wanting to have a good time.

 

Lee Jihoon, isn't really up to having a good time, though.

 

The idea of going to some stupid house party that Kwon Soonyoung and his girlfriend (yes, girlfriend. Of two weeks, even.) had invited him to was already unappealing, but the only bright side was that he'd get free drinks. And food. Plus, the thrill of the party filled with underaged kids (minus those in Jihoon's year) getting busted by whatever authority because of alcohol or drugs somehow stirred some adrenaline in him. Jihoon decides he's all for that show.

 

So here he was, sitting at the drinks bar, away from the shadiest looking guy he'd seen that night, who sat at the other end of the row of stools.

 

He sips his juice, mixed with the perfect amount of alcohol, and proceeds to scan the room; the crowded dance area and the three dudes who just slapped each other's butts, the sitting lounge occupied by the pretty girl on her laptop with her clique of like, 9 more girls that had curlers in their hair, the huge window with a perfect view of the pool people pushing each other around outside, the two skinny boys making out by the stairs— but no Soonyoung.

 

Now that Jihoon thinks about it, there's a lot of unfamiliar faces around here. probably kids from other schools, and some that looked like they were probably already in college.

 

Soonyoung's girlfriend wasn't around either. What even was her name? He faintly recalls Soonyoung telling him she was from a different school, that they've known each other since the start of the school year, and that they were co-choreographers of the same dance crew. She was even attending the same vocal classes as soonyoung (“Can you believe that, Jihoon? It's crazy!!”). Oh, and also that she spoke fluent English. Wow, way to add a dozen more things to the List of Jihoon's Insecurities™.

 

Jihoon still remembers, clear as day too, when they met about three weeks ago during that basketball game. What was it again? Chunji? Chunya? Changha? Whatever. Jihoon hates feeling this way.

 

I mean, Jihoon does accept the fact that his best friend was bisexual and all; but he, as much as any other person, had no say in who Soonyoung should date.

 

Okay, maybe he's a little not okay with it. Maybe he's a little selfish. But, it'll be perfectly fine.

 

For the meantime, Jihoon wishes to distract himself from the thought of Soonyoung. Eh, what's there to see? There's a few eye candy around, but Jihoon doesn't plan on making a move on any of them. He sighs. Whatever. This is boring. Parties were never Jihoon's thing. His phone is his number one excuse accessory in order to not interact at any social event.

 

* * *

 

 

After about, like, an hour, of the redheaded boy switching between downing drinks, people-watching and playing tetris— Jihoon may or may not be a tiny, tiny, bit tipsy.

 

I mean, if you counted the fact that he giggled at every single lame flirty joke the girl two chairs from him threw at the bartender, then no, Jihoon is not a tiny, tiny, bit tipsy. He's a moderately tiny bit tipsy. If that made any sense in his brain. At least he's still sane.

(He's still young. And that's okay. Because Jihoon is going to be that one friend with a high alcohol tolerance who has to, rather miserably, deal with everyone in his college friend group being wasted. But, shhh. He doesn't know that yet.)

 

Jihoon, after finishing his fourth light alcoholic drink, looks up at the time. Huh, it's already 22:55. He sulks for a bit and stares blankly at his phone screen, but he doesn't know what to do. Everything surrounding him and encasing his body is warm and fuzzy and he might need to pee in a while but he doesn't even know where the bathroom is and he's terrified of walking in on people, uh— let's just say, people occupying it... and doing, uh, business.

 

Not too long after, Jihoon's ears are filled with the sounds of that bright and sweet laughter he was all too fondly familiar with. He feels his heart race in his chest as he turns his head to the source of the sound, and no doubt, there he was.

 

Yeah, Soonyoung, with his faded orange hair that completely turned blond, sporting skinny ripped jeans, and a nice fucking top, and nice fucking everything in all his damn 178 centimeter glory (though that wasn't too tall, but it was enough for him to tower over Jihoon's self).

 

And, yeah, there he was. Correction: there they were. His girlfriend had her arm linked to his. and she looks so tiny next to him. Jihoon's got to admit that they look good together and— what the fuck? They really just came in from the main door? Jesus, Jihoon thought they were with him this whole time. Soonyoung said they were there, the fuck? Liar.

 

He watches from afar as Soonyoung smiles down sweetly at his girlfriend and leans down when she stands on her tiptoes and whispers in his ear. Soonyoung chuckles— at something she said, probably. His eyes wander the room and he meets Jihoon's by some fucking chance. Soonyoung's eyes widen a bit, as if saying hello. Jihoon, well, it's obvious that he was looking at them, immediately looks away anyway and pretends to be busy on his phone. Christ, he's so stupid.

 

Jihoon looks back up after like, two seconds, and sees that she fucking kissed Soonyoung's cheek. Oh. Error 404 Jihoon.exe not fucking found.

 

The boy sighs, and finally turns his seat back around to bury his head in his arms on the counter and sulk in his self-pity. All hope is lost. He really hates being like this.

 

The last time he remembers feeling like this was when, what, Soonyoung went on a date with that tall guy one year below? Yeah, Kim Mingyu. Mr. Fuckin Handsome as Shit. Mr. Fuckin Famous for His Good Looks and Good Grades and Good Cooking Skills. Mr. Human Fuckin Tree that Jihoon feels greatly intimidated by him.

 

Ah, it's annoying. He just wants to go home and sob into a pillow until he dissolves or something.

 

Jihoon was about to text his good friend and neighbor, Hansol, a friend that he liked to talk with music-related stuff about, though not from his school, because Hansol was home-schooled, to “pleaes please plz” pick him up from “teh fuckignfb party i told u bout” because he feels like “msierable ass bullshit o h myf ucking gof i waNT to diE” when he realizes that the guy sitting to his left (when the fuck did he even get here?) placed a hand on Jihoon's thigh.

 

Under normal circumstances, Jihoon would have instantly reacted to such interaction from anyone. What more from a stranger?

 

But then he realized, this was no just-a-stranger. Ugh, it was the shady-looking guy who had originally sat at the other end of the bar, and gave Jihoon a bad aura.

 

And under this circumstance, Jihoon couldn't really say for himself that he was acting like he normally would.

 

Countless thoughts piled in his brain. Oh God. He's eighteen and yet he already feels vulnerable this way?

 

He pulls down on the hoodie he's wearing, covering everything from the wrist up, suddenly feeling horribly conscious.

 

Here's the thing: Jihoon is incredibly self-deteriorating. Mentally, in medical terms.

 

Or, in order to be more realistic, let me rephrase by saying he's a: quote, "attention-seeking and misfunctioning kid with daddy issues to the point that his mother should be ashamed of him," end quote; his neighbors and relatives and schoolmates.

 

Nobody watched closely over him or cared deeply about him other than his mother, and, well, Soonyoung. But, since not too long ago, Jihoon's been trying; so, so much— he doesn't want to burden Soonyoung as the only person left to look after him.

 

Ah, Soonyoung again. It's him and him and him and him and Jihoon should stop thinking about him when he's clearly happy with somebody else.

 

Jihoon snaps out of his thoughts when the stranger is uncomfortably close to his ear, and how his left hand is still warm on Jihoon's thigh. The man then extends his right arm across the small of jihoon's back, and pulls him flush by the waist. He shivers at how much this man is invading his private bubble. He wants to panic and shout for help but his words are so stuck in his throat, like some kind of tough phlegm.

 

“Hey there,” the man says in his ear. He fucking reeked of alcohol, and faintly of cigarettes. Jihoon doesn't respond, but he feels how much the tightening of his own chest hurts.

 

The man's grip on his thigh becomes harsher, and the whimper Jihoon can't believe he let out made it harder for him to breathe.

 

“Don't fucking ignore me,” the stranger growls, as he holds Jihoon's chin to face him.

 

Head spinning, Jihoon observes the man's face. It did scare him, in all honesty. Nose ring. Cut on his cheek. Busted lip. Eyes bloodshot. Gaze menacing.

 

His mind tells him to get the fuck up and run away as fast as he can but he can't. He can't. His knees are all wobbly and he definitely drank too much.

 

“W-wh-what do you f-fucking want, bastard?”

 

“Now, that's one potty mouth, boy,” the man snickers, “You see, I'm just looking for a little bit of fun. You seem like a lot of fun.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I'm not. I-I'm not interested in any kind of fun, so do let me go,” he replies, making sure to add some extra venom in his tone.

 

The man pulls him closer by the wrist, “Now, we've only just started,” he tightens his grip, “Look, I know who you are. And you ought to know that your daddy owes me. And my boss. A lot."

Jihoon tenses. "He's not my fucking father. In fact, I don't have a father. I don't know what you're talking about. Are we done here?"

"Don't lie, baby. You might want to think about your words. I know a lot of things, _Lee_. Things that can destroy you... I've seen the way you look at mister blondie earlier, and by the looks of it- you aren't liking something, ain't ya? He looks like he's enjoying that girl and her nice ass,”

 

Jihoon inhales a breath. What a sick fuck.

 

“So, I'll do you a favor. Even if you're the damned kid of that asshole, a cutie like you looks like he needs it, and a face like that shouldn't be frowning. So,” he leans in, pulling him by the waist, and Jihoon can feel his breath against his own ear, “If your father won't pay me— _us_ , back," his hand starts to tug on Jihoon's belt, "It's only right that you'll have to pay me with some fun instead, don't you think? It's a win-win, babe.”

 

Jihoon immediately pushes the man away, but he can't, he fucking _can't_. This man knows so much, too much— Jihoon doesn't even want to know. He feels so exposed to the point that he's letting this man devour him whole.

 

It also doesn't help that most people have either left, or are outside, and the bartender is suddenly fucking gone cause he went to the outdoor bar to tend to the huger crowd outside, and he's alone with this molester at this stupidly empty bar, and the people left inside are the farthest possible from where he is in this huge room with the music blasting in this huge house.

 

Jihoon is roughly being pulled up the stairs, out of sight, and he's fucking hyperventilating and he thinks that _**God, I'm so fucking stupid.**_

 

Jihoon looks for something, anything, unable to use his voice, to get anyone's, anyone at all's attention. He pushes the vase by the stairs to drop onto the floor and it catches the attention of the girl heading from the back door. Jihoon's eyes widen when it meets hers, in a plea, but then the man above him drags him roughly by the scalp.

 

“You, whore,” he calls to the girl downstairs, “Tell anyone and you end up like him.”

 

The girl only nods and runs away. Jihoon is going to fucking die.

 

They get to the third floor. It's a huge fucking house. The man traps him and pushes him inside the nearest room, against the closed door.

 

"I have an idea. Why not make this ordeal much more fun?" he brings out a knife from the inside of his jacket. “Don't even think about shouting for help,” he places the cold metal flat against Jihoon's right cheek, and strangles him with the other hand,

 

“Or else this is going to go straight in.”

 

Jihoon is kicking and banging against the door until he breathes out, “Please, don't do it. I'll be good.”

“Oh, what was that? I couldn't hear very clearly.”

jihoon tries to repeat it firmly, “Please don't do this. I don't have money to pay on behalf of my father either. Please don't hurt me. I'll be very good,” he chokes out.

 

Jihoon really wonders what he has ever done to deserve suffering for his family's mistakes.

 

The man sadistically grins, “Now, that's what I like to hear."

 

"You know, your father's men beat us up and robbed us. Bastards. Boss killed off a good half of his pathetic men. Kid like you ain't gonna survive in the business..."

 

Business? He got himself disowned a long time ago. He doesn't know (see: acknowledge) what that fucking business is.

 

Jihoon can't even process what the man is saying anymore. The sudden dangerous sensation of the cold metal had him weak as shit, and it added more lightheadedness in his already drunken state. His breathing is ragged and he struggles from the tight grip on his neck. Jihoon feels his knees wobble when he realizes the man is down, undoing his belt. Fuck.

 

 _ **Do it. Do it, you miserable piece of weak shit. It's now or never.**_ Jihoon sucks in a breath, and with all the strength he was able to muster, kicks the man square in the face with his knee.

 

Little did the two of them know, though, that a certain Kim Chungha was in that very room with them. Hint: there's another door. She's in the bathroom.

 

Having heard everything, she's scared shitless. This means she won't even be able to get out. She peeks pass the door, now sure that she did hear _the_ Lee Jihoon, the best friend Soonyoung always talks about.

 

Chungha decides not to look anymore. It made her feel so sick. She needs to do something. She shakily types out a message to Soonyoung,

**chung**

Soonyounggg  
!!!  
Please help me

 **hosh♡**  
is something wrong??

I'm in a bit of a situati on

where you at

thrid floor  
get here asap PLS  
dont go alone I beg you

okay I'm otw  
Um  
Is there anything i should beware of?  
Describe whats happening

there's a man in here  
he came in with jihoon-ssi

jihoon?!???!  
whAt

I knwo i was surprised too  
the man istaking advantage of him  
i cant watch thsi

fuck  
Oh fuck  
Did u hide???

yeahh  
thats why i cnat call  
PLEASE be careful  
the man has a knife, soonyoung

I will  
hold on for a bit more  
just  
breath  
I'll ask some people to ring up the police

ok  
thank you <3  
**[seen ✔ 23:12]**

 

* * *

 

Soonyoung's in a big panic when he sends that last message. He's proud of himself for not getting wasted, yeah— but he believes that what's happening now is his fucking fault. He promised to look after Jihoon. To Jihoon's mom, of all people, for Christ's sake. To Jihoon himself. And now he's in danger just because Soonyoung let him out of his sight? He shouldn't even have invited him here if the gods miraculously told him this would happen. God. He can't— _won't_ — allow anything bad happening. Not to Jihoon, not to anyone else.

 

In truth, Soonyoung didn't even personally know majority of the people here. This party was thrown by Chungha and the other kids in their dance crew who went to Chungha's school. He really was just in charge of inviting who he wished to invite. How'd a man with bad intentions to take advantage of his Jihoon get here? What business would such absolute fuck have with him?

 

Soonyoung is very much aware of the dirty work circulating Jihoon's family. He chooses not to think about it most of the time. He knows Jihoon hates it.

 

Yet, the fact that it wasn't impossible that this person could be related to that, couldn't get out of Soonyoung's mind. He doesn't want it to be possible. He's angry, so angry— that person is in no goddamn position to outwardly shit on Jihoon's self-worth and make him feel—

 

"—Soonyoung, dude, are you okay?"

 

Soonyoung jumps when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

 

"H-Hey!! Junhui," he nervously smiles.

"Uh, is everything fine? You seem... out of sorts."

"Yes!! I mean— no, fuck! Actually... perfect. Junhui. Listen to me. I need you to call the police. Right NOW."

"What?? What do you mean police?" Junhui says, and Soonyoung tries to not panic.

"I swear on our brohood or whatever that this is not a prank. Listen. Call them for me. My best friend and my girlfriend are in danger. I'll handle it while the police get here. Don't tell anyone. Keep them distracted," Soonyoung gestures to the people nearby.

 

He shoves the phone into Junhui's face, promptly showing him the messages. "I don't want you, or anyone, to get invol—"

"—Are you out of your mind, Kwon? She just said not to go alone! Anything could fucking happen to you, what the fuck?"

 

That makes Soonyoung pause and think for a few seconds, until he decides that, "Look, I won't let my friends get hurt. That sounds heroic— whatever, I'm not. I won't let myself die or some shit. I'll kick his ass. I'll be upstairs, by the way."

 

Junhui reluctantly agrees. Soonyoung's persuasion was pretty sincere. He calls up the police as Soonyoung quickly heads inside.

 

 **Stupid Kwon Soonyoung**. Just cause Soonyoung's good at combat doesn't mean he can't back him up himself. Fuck not getting involved. He'll do it.

 

* * *

 

Truthfully, Soonyoung is unsure of how he should confront the guy. Sure, Soonyoung is good with his fists, he's quick on his feet, and his reflexes are sharp, well, most of the time— but, fuck. He doesn't know how the guy even looks like. Fuck it. He's going all in.

 

His steps get more careful as he reaches the third floor. He checks his wristwatch. 11:17. Surely he had not taken too long?

 

Soonyoung freezes in his spot when he hears the chilling sound of whimpers behind the nearest door, that he recognized were, no doubt, Jihoon's. At this point, his heart rate speeds up and he feels his blood flow rather warmer than usual.

 

He cautiously walk-runs to the door, careful to not make noise. He can hear hasty shuffling inside, and then the sudden thud of something against the floor. Soonyoung is uneasy as he turns the knob. Fuck. Just as predicted. It's locked, now what?

 

"Well," he thinks out loud, "I guess it's time for some home wrecking. In a literal sense."

 

But who the fuck was Soonyoung fooling? This door seemed sturdy as hell. He can't risk hurting himself to break it.

 

Just as he reconsiders a different option, (one, stupidly KNOCKING; two, finding a window that could lead to that room; and three, just going for it and breaking the damn door,) a pair of footsteps are heard going up the stairs.

 

"Soonyoung! I'm here," he whisper shouts.

"God, Junhui!! You scared me." Soonyoung whisper shouts back.

"Look, I already called up the police. They should be here in about ten minutes, hopefully. Everything is doing fine down there, too. No one should suspect a thing."

"And?"

"You ask me THAT, Soonyoung? I'm trying to help. Look what I found."

 

Junhui holds up a set of keys, with a face saying, "Told you so."

"Oh, my god. You're a lifesaver, dude. I could cry right now," Soonyoung says.

 

Junhui half-heartedly rolls his eyes, "Cut the crap. I asked Shownu-hyung for all the 3rd floor keys. I predicted this would happen. I think it's this key," he says, holding it up, "Go save your man."

 

Soonyoung perks up at that statement.

 

"H-He's just my best friend," he mutters, fumbling with the keys. "My girlfriend Chungha's in there too."

"I was joking. I'm right behind ya, lover boy."

 

It was Soonyoung's turn to roll his eyes. Said boy inserts the key. He takes a deep breath before turning it.

 

His breathing begins to get shorter as his eyes scan the whole room. He flinches as he's met with two pairs of eyes. The first, was a pair of soft eyes he was all too familiar with. A pair of soft eyes he's learned to absolutely love seeing with expressions of joy, and excitement, and enthusiasm; yet also of sorrow, and anger, and unease. They were eyes that held a gaze which, over the years, had spoken of trust, understanding, and care with Soonyoung's own— all without words. And what Soonyoung dreaded to see was the glint of fear glassing those eyes at this very moment.

 

And the second? They were unpleasant eyes with a stare so harsh, Soonyoung would swear they had burned a hole through his own eyes. Soonyoung takes in the position he's held Jihoon in, and he furrows his eyebrows. His next movements are all purely fueled by aggression.

 

One smirk and two snide remarks from the man ("Well, look what just arrived. The knight in shining armor is here to save the day.") was all it took for Soonyoung to push him off of Jihoon with his left hand, and send the man stumbling back with a flying punch square on the side of his face with his right fist.

 

"Shithead," Soonyoung spits out. The man lets out an amused scoff on the floor, until he lurches forward and tackles Soonyoung down, bringing a collision to said boy's head.

 

Just after he kicks Soonyoung in the gut, from behind him comes a _high kick_ sideways to his head. Kim Chungha.

 

Another pretentious laugh escapes him as he turns around. "And where'd you come from? Sorry to tell you, little girl, but that was _weak_."

 

He doesn't get a chance to go after her when a frame the same size as him chokeholds him from behind, pushing him down against the floor, twisting his arms back and stepping on his back to pin him down. Wen Junhui.

 

"Shut the fuck up."

 

Chungha was quick to follow; immediately holding the man's legs down.

 

Soonyoung was on the floor, just picking himself up between heavy breaths and splutters. Once strength was regained, he took it upon him to be the one to step on the man's head.

 

And he did. Hard. He's certain it was hard enough to make him pass out. Things don't get very pleasant when Soonyoung lets his anger go uncontrolled.

 

The man brought up his head, blood rushing from his nose, and Soonyoung is all dizzy from the pain in his gut and the rush of adrenaline and blood going to his head. He's taken back into the real situation when he hears that, "Soonyoung, stop. It's okay."

 

He hitches in a breath to find Jihoon all forgiving, cheek already a purple-red from what was seemingly a slap mark, sitting atop the bed with his knees touching his chin.

 

As cliche as it may sound, Soonyoung's expression softens at the sight at once.

 

Soonyoung rushes over to Jihoon, so many different emotions overcoming him, but worry being the one etched all over his face.

 

The younger refused to look Soonyoung in the eyes, resorting to staring at his suddenly so very interesting own pair of hands.

 

Soonyoung crouches down by his feet, expecting to meet Jihoon's gaze, and takes his hands gently in his own.

 

Jihoon lightly flinches at the sudden action, but he lets Soonyoung hold his hand.

 

"It's me; Soonyoung. We'll get you out nice and carefully, yeah? Come home with me, please?"

 

Jihoon sniffs, and nods. "Mm. Okay."

"Okay," the taller says slowly, "That's nice. Fix your shirt. And this," Soonyoung says, retrieving Jihoon's hoodie from the floor, handing it to him. "It's cold." He pauses, but continues when the other doesn't budge. "You know I'm not the best cook," he chuckles, "But I'll make you some nice warm food when we get home. It's the thought that counts. That sounds good, right?"

 

Jihoon nods again. Soonyoung pats his head, adjusting his hair, and Jihoon flinches once more in response.

 

Soonyoung is startled as well, but he gives himself the stupidity. "Sorry. I won't do that again," he says quietly, smiling at the younger. "Tell me when you're comfortable with me touching you, yeah? For now, I'll hold only your hand."

 

The silence is disrupted when they hear the whine of a police car siren. Their eyes all widen, and Junhui retreats from his position to head downstairs and lead the police upstairs ("Don't worry. I'll get back quickly. The man should stay knocked out for a while, so hang on!"), leaving Chungha, Soonyoung, and Jihoon in the room.

 

Chungha clears her throat, "Jihoon-ssi, how are you feeling? I'm so sorry you had to go through that... and I did nothing but sit through it."

 

Jihoon shakes his head, looking up at her, letting out a small, "You could've gotten hurt. You did the most you could. Thank you for calling for help," he pauses, looking back down at his lap. "I'm really thankful. If you hadn't been here, then, I would probably..." Jihoon swallows back his words, feeling his throat go dry.

 

"You don't have to say it, Ji," Soonyoung says, who was still below him on the floor, rubbing his thumbs gently against the top of Jihoon's hands.

 _Ji_. Soonyoung rarely used that nickname. He only ever called him that during careful, delicate times, when Jihoon would be in a slump again, shutting the whole world out, and Soonyoung would eventually be the one to break down his walls for the nth time.

 

It's a truly endearing nickname; bringing both Jihoon and Soonyoung bittersweet memories when it was used.

 

Anything that happens afterwards barely registers in Jihoon's brain. He remembers the policemen entering, asking him briefly about what happened, but he doesn't remember answering. He recalls glimpses of the man being taken away. He thinks about a few words he heard, "The man... On the run... Wanted... Assault...Other cases..." but he couldn't bring himself to care when his head was clouded with the burning, _prickling_ sensation of his wrists nagging at him; making him quiver, making him want to throw up, making him want to get away from everyone. He's pulled into some car home but he doesn't ask what happened to the party and if the ever mighty policemen caught the underage kids; because his head is whirling and his throat is on fire.

 

Despite these commotions Jihoon's physical and mental states were experiencing, the warmth that didn't cease to envelope his left hand had definitely been the sensation that lingered in the corners of his mind.

 

* * *

 

"Thank you for the ride," Soonyoung says, bowing by the window of Junhui's car.

 

The latter sends him a smile. "Don't mind it. See you next week?"

 

Soonyoung doesn't even know what's happening next week but he gets to it anyway, "Yeah. Thanks for saving my ass too. Have a safe trip."

"Good luck, Soonyoung," he says, eyeing the small boy perched on Soonyoung's back, seemingly asleep. Soonyoung only nods, and Junhui pulls his window up, driving off.

 

Soonyoung enters his house, calling out an empty "I'm home!" to no one in particular, the hallways making his greeting sound hollow. He heads to his room and gently places Jihoon down on his bed, cautiously taking off his hoodie (Soonyoung was worried he'd startle him again), and then covering him with a blanket.

 

_**I don't think he's asleep. Just... he seems feverish. He's probably feeling really weak right now.** _

 

The elder places the back of his hand against Jihoon's forehead. Cold.

 

_**He must've drunk a lot. Ah, really— it pains me to see him do this to himself.** _

 

Soonyoung switches off the lights, disappearing into the bathroom with a change of clothes to wash up and get ready to _finally_ rest his tired body.

 

Once he's back in his room, Soonyoung sits down on his desk chair, contemplating about whether he should let Jihoon a) have the whole bed, b) sleep with him, c) or what? go and sleep in the living room? which is stupid because he needs to watch over Jihoon. Nah.

 

Soonyoung is mindlessly scrolling through the comments on his latest choreography video, making a mental note to reply to some of them; when his ears are met with a heartbreakingly small voice.

 

"Soonyoung," Jihoon calls out from where he lay on the bed, and Soonyoung knows just by his voice that he's on the verge of tears.

 

Soonyoung's initial reaction is to panic, but he urges himself to calm down. He turns the phone off, and stands up from his chair. "What's wrong?" he asks softly.

 

"It itches, Soonyoung. It fucking itches," he lets out, with a choked sob. "I'm so— Soonyoung, I-I'm so pathetic. I'm so messed up. I'm so fucking ugly. I a-always would have been better off dead—"

 

Soonyoung doesn't want to hear the end of that. He can't let him finish. He sits down across from Jihoon, then pulls him up in the warmest embrace he can give. The smaller boy melts into the action of intimacy, and before he knows it he returns it; a shaking, wailing mess against Soonyoung's chest.

 

"Shh, Jihoon. It's okay. It's okay. I know it hurts," he reassures, rubbing circles on his back, and placing a kiss on the top of his head.

 

"But you matter, Jihoon. You matter so much to me. You matter to a lot of people," Soonyoung says, bringing Jihoon's left arm up. He gingerly kisses the scars that lay beneath Jihoon's forearm, and then intertwines his own fingers with the other's.

 

"Ji, i want you to know that you're never alone. You always have me," the taller says slowly, relishing in the feeling of the other warm and perfectly fitted against him. He continues, "I'll always be more than willing to do anything to keep you company. I want to be stuck with you and go to college with you and promote your music to companies when we graduate and make you happy! You've been clean for, what, 2 months now? That's amazing, right? _You're so strong_. You're strong, and you're inspiring, and you're beautiful, Ji."

 

Jihoon is still unable to calm down under Soonyoung's arms wrapped around him. He lets out a ragged breath, shaking his head. "Don't s-say that. You don't want me. I'm a— I'm a b-burden to you," he says, letting go of Soonyoung's hand. "I don't want you having a hard time putting up with me."

 

Soonyoung pulls away, and looks him in the eyes. "You know I'm a fool, Ji. Only fools enjoy having a hard time," he replies, with a small smile forming on his lips.

"I promised your mother. And I promised you. And, it's fine with me. It's perfect. I wouldn't ask for anything else, you know."

The other sniffles, looking down at his lap. "You're a huge idiot. You're gonna regret it."

 

But Soonyoung just wordlessly wipes Jihoon's tears with his thumbs, his touch lingering on Jihoon's cheek.

 

"It's cold, Soonyoung. Please hug me again. I'm useless and all I can do is cry," the younger says, voice cracking, before he starts crying once more.

 

Soonyoung's panic-striken again, but he carefully places Jihoon between his arms.

 

This. This situation unfolding before him. It's all too much. Too much distress. Too much despair. It's just too unfair for life to be this harsh to this boy Lee Jihoon, who had always just wanted to get through and live, undeserving of the cruel misfortunes everything around him threw at him. Soonyoung strongly believed that Jihoon was a pure, good person, making him so, _so_ angry for the horrible things he'd gone through and didn't deserve at all. He's so enraged at that man; shitting on Jihoon and taking advantage of his weaknesses like it was his goddamn business.

 

Soonyoung holds back his own bawling, unsure if it was anger or sorrow ~~or love~~ triggering him. He knows very well that he should be the one to be strong for Jihoon, but the elder is known for being the bigger crybaby of the two, after all. He hastily wipes away the few stray tears that roll down his cheeks, while Jihoon is breaking down, masks nowhere to be seen, naked emotions open for display like the pages of a book, right in front of him.

 

"It's okay to cry, Ji," he whispers. "Breathe, okay? I don't want you suffocating against my shirt," he lightheartedly jokes, a small chuckle escaping his lips. "How about a few glasses of water after this, hm?"

 

He feels Jihoon nod his head against his torso, and Soonyoung sighs in a rather tired, but relieved, manner.

 

Soonyoung's brain short-circuits, and suddenly his mouth wasn't really working with his brain when he blurts out:

 

"I love you. I really do. And I really mean that."

 

Soonyoung's eyes widen when he realizes he said that, and so boldly, even.

A few beats of silence.

 

Against his chest comes a "Don't say that, Soon. you're drunk."

 

Soonyoung's aware that he's very much sober, not even having taken any alcohol that night. But still he goes along with it, caressing Jihoon's head, and lightly combing fingers through his hair.

 

"Maybe I am. But I mean it, sober or drunk or whatever. You don't have to say anything. I just... wanted to let you know, okay?"

"...Mm. Okay."

 

* * *

 

But Jihoon didn't get to drink those glasses of water Soonyoung promised.

 

Instead, they fall asleep to the sound of each other's breathing, in Soonyoung's bed, legs hooked around each other's. Soonyoung was snuggled in a fetal position, next to Jihoon's side, face pressed against Jihoon's shoulder. And Jihoon lay on his back, head centimeters apart from resting against Soonyoung's.

 

It's warm.

 

Soonyoung is much aware he had slept better that night than he ever had alone.

 

However, what he didn't know was that in the morning, he'll be waking up with a blanket over him, his bathroom suspiciously clean and smelling like air freshener, 5 new messages in his phone, but no Jihoon.

 

That was only the third time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading ^_^
> 
> btw i just wanna say AGAIN that i really hate this chapter
> 
> lemme know if u think this is trash :(
> 
> ALSO!! i'm currently working hard on a christmas one shot for soonhoon~ it WILL have side pairs too so dw
> 
> so yeah this just means that updates for this fic might arrive a bit slower until christmas because i'll be working hard on my other fic. i should hopefully publish it by december 19th - 22nd. pls look forward to it and support :DD


	4. like bad glue on a get-well card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you are tearing me apart  
> like bad glue on a get-well card  
> it was always you falling for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title comes from the song 'always' by panic! at the disco.
> 
> i also apologize because this chapter is pretty overdue ;(( it's also quite filler if i do say so myself

Kwon Soonyoung awakes at 6 that next saturday morning. He wonders why'd he wake up so early after how tired he's felt, but there's a faint ache in his head, and his body feels spent, so he doesn't think about it.

 

He figures that Lee Jihoon would've still been asleep, but the rest of his bed space is unoccupied and he's startled to not find the boy in his room. Soonyoung checks his bathroom, only to find the air smelling suffocatingly of air freshener. The medicine cabinet is left open, too.

 

He washes up, the various possibilities of what Jihoon could have done going through his head as he stares up at his reflection in the mirror. Soonyoung shakes it off, hoping that he'd be downstairs.

 

Soonyoung grabs his phone from his room and scurries downstairs. The lights are on and it smells like coffee and he figures that his parents must've arrived home in the early morning. He finds his mother sat reading the newspaper by the dining table, and she straightens up with a serious expression once she sees him.

 

Soonyoung notices this, his eyes widening in panic, but he greets a "Good morning, Mom."

"Good morning too, Soonyoung."

 

They say nothing after that, but Soonyoung well knows that _that_ type of look meant she had something to tell him. He sits on the chair by the table too, opening his phone just to pretend to sit there casually, when in fact he was waiting for her to start a conversation (or probably a sermon, but whatever).

 

She clears her throat. "Son."

Soonyoung shoots up. "Yes?"

"I have something to ask you. Look at me."

He does, and his mother continues, "You have a girlfriend, don't you?"

"I do. I told you and dad about Chungha. You've met her?" he asks.

 

"I haven't. I see your pictures with her though. She's pretty. Anyway," she says, folding the newspaper up. "That wasn't my question. what i'm really about to ask you is... is there something i need to know about you and Jihoon?"

soonyoung freezes. "I'm sorry? What do you mean?"

"I said what i said, young man. The two of you were together last night. We saw you two asleep when we arrived. But he left really early this morning too, at about 4."

"He left?! I mean— Mom, no, I—"

"—Your dad and I heard someone outside, but we were surprised to find Jihoon up and ready to leave. He looked... wrecked. Soonyoung," she says, softening her gaze. "You know me and your Dad support Jihoon and treat him like a son too. So I want you to be honest with me."

 

Soonyoung nods, taking a deep breath. "Jihoon... he's, um, going through a bit of a hard time at the moment. I'm just here for him," he says, rubbing his face. "I don't know, mom. I promise it's just _that_. Don't give me that face. Jihoon's a _friend_." Soonyoung finishes, feeling his face getting warm. His mother did use to tease him about Jihoon back then, and she's stopped for a while, but he's sure it's coming back because they were together last night. He's embarrassed at the thought of his parents finding the two of them sleeping next to each other on his bed.

 

His mom keeps _that_ look on him. "Oh, come on, lighten up, soonyoung. You know I've always liked him for you. Anyway," she says, pausing to take a sip of her coffee. "He asked me to give his thanks to you. He said he'd like it if you gave him some space, and that he was really sorry for everything too— whatever that everything is..."

 

Soonyoung looks down at his lap, silent.

 

She continues, "I won't ask you what he means by that, because I don't think you're okay with it. I'll respect what you can't say to me if it's too personal. But please, Soonyoung. Tell me if there are things you can't figure out. I'll help."

 

Soonyoung nods, returning his gaze back up, giving off a smile similar to hers.

 

* * *

 

Once he's finished eating his breakfast, Soonyoung opens up five new unread messages he received last night.

 

 **chung (3) 3:51 AM**  
**jooheon hyung (1) 2:18 AM**  
**moon junnie (1) 2:04 AM**

 

Soonyoung opens the oldest one.

 

 **moon junnie**  
i got home now,, tell jihoon for me that everything will get better :D !!  
[received 2:04 AM]

 

He sighs. It's Jihoon once more. He closes that one, opening the next.

 

 **jooheon hyung**  
heard waht happened tonight. U fine bro?? Jus checkin on ya  
[received 2:18 AM]

 

Soonyoung decides to reply.

 **long lost bro**  
Sorry I only saw ur msg now.  
[sent 7:25 AM]

I'm okay, I guess. Just tired  
[sent 7:25 AM]

 

He opens the most recent message, which were 3 from his girlfriend.

 

 **chung**  
hey Soonyoung,, i know it's late but i've been thinking a lot  
[received 2:11 AM]

I really need to meet you tomorrow. see me at 13 by the convenience store next to your school?  
[received 3:09 AM]

please. I want to talk.  
[received 3:51 AM]

 

Soonyoung may be tired, but if she wants to talk, then they'll talk. He thumbs up a quick reply,

 

 **hosh ♡**  
Got it. I'll be there at 12. U want lunch or anything?  
[sent 7:29 AM]

 

Once he presses send, he calls out to his mom.

 

"Mom!! I'll be going out with Chungha by lunchtime."

"Oh? Is it a date?"

"Um... please interpret 'we need to talk' for me, mom. I'm not good with that stuff."

She's quiet for a while, thinking, until she says, "I'm afraid it's quite not, Soon. But don't take my word for it. Enjoy and take care! Use protection, son."

"Oh my god, Mom!"

 

He shakes his head at his mom's quirks, chuckling to himself. He aimlessly scrolls through his contacts until it lands on an ' **uji uji uji** '. Soonyoung opens the conversation, contemplating if he should be stubborn and call him, or just spam him with messages.

 

After some thought, he decides to do neither, closing his phone and sighing.

 

* * *

 

"Let's stop seeing each other."

Soonyoung freezes. "...So, um, you mean, like, breaking up?"

She nods. "I'm sorry. I can't be with you like _this_ ," Chungha says, looking down.

 

He stares at his lunch, then back up at her. "Like _what_? I'm sorry, but I'd like to know what it is that was bothering you."

She shuffles, and takes a deep breath. "I know I said that I won't treat you any differently as a boyfriend because you're not exactly straight," she pauses, looking back down at him. "But..."

"But what?"

"I couldn't help but feel wary of people you were close with! To me, it felt like you were in a relationship with someone else."

Soonyoung was speechless. "Someone else... What do you mean? Are you implying that you think I've been cheating on you? With my friends or whatever?"

"No!" Chungha immediately denies, "...No. I know you weren't, and never have. It's just... It feels like you weren't dating me. God, Soonyoung, do I really have to say it aloud? You're obviously in love with _him_!"

When Soonyoung doesn't reply, dumbstruck, she continues, "Stop being blind, Soonyoung. You're in love with _J_ _ihoon_. Not me. I didn't want to be with you anymore because I knew you wanted me to feel loved, but it seemed like you only felt bad for me," she finishes, sighing.

 

He buries his face into his hands for a few moments, before looking back up at her. "...I'm really sorry i made you feel that way. Oh god, I feel like an asshole. No, I'm actually a huge asshole."

"It's fine. I forgive you, you know. I'm not angry. It's not like I loved you with all my heart but you broke it or any of that cheesy shit. I was hurt a little, but I'm actually glad you made me realize that I hadn't fallen yet."

"But I'm so sorry. It's horrible. I'm horrible. And I'm so confused, Chung. More confused than I ever was. Fuck, Chungha. I don't even know how I feel."

Chungha eyes him down, thinking, and then she drops it completely. "Be honest with me, Kwon Soonyoung. What is Lee Jihoon to you?" she interrogates, finally sitting down from across him.

 

He gulps, taking in a deep breath before answering, "He's my best friend. Has been ever since we were like, twelve," Soonyoung says with the faintest tremble in his tone.

 

"And has it always only been friendship between the two of you?"

"I— you're so straightforward."

She flicks his forehead. "I said, be honest with me. It's only gonna get more straightforward. Do you love him?"

"I do!" he says, a bit too quickly. "I mean, he  _is_ my best friend... Of course i do..."

"Oh, I see. You want to play like this? Is it really just as a best friend, Soonyoung?"

The boy sighs. "...But, maybe I saw him and... _loved_ him a bit more and more in a romantic way since I was, like, fifteen; when I realized I liked boys too," he says quietly.

 

"Now that's what I like to hear," she replies, a triumphant smile across her face. "So why are you so distressed about him?"

He inhales deeply once more. "Chungha, I'm _terrified_. Jihoon doesn't, never has, and never will see me in that way. He's not gay either, you know. He'll think i'm absolutely crazy. I'd rather die than put our friendship at risk."

"God, Kwon Soonyoung, _you're_ driving _me_ crazy. I'm not asking about him. I'm asking about _you_. What are _you_ feeling? What are _you_ thinking? Exactly what's confusing and troubling _you_ so much? Plus, what makes you so sure that he doesn't feel the same way as you?!"

"Because the only thing confusing and troubling me is myself!" Soonyoung bursts out.

 

Chungha is taken aback, since Soonyoung has _never_ raised his voice at her— let alone at anyone at all, but she urges him to go on, while the momentum of the vulnerability he had was still there.

 

He starts softly. "Jihoon— he's— he's such a wonderful person. He's been a real friend through and through. As for me, in return, I— I only want the best for him. He deserves all the good in the fucking world," he pauses to breath, then continues, "I know I'm talking about him again, when you clearly told me to talk about myself, but maybe that's my problem! Maybe that's what happens when you care so much about someone! Maybe that's what happens when you can't help but love someone! They're suddenly the only damn thing you talk about and think about that it feels wrong."

"Soonyoung..."

"And sometimes, especially these days— sometimes I feel like I don't even know Jihoon at all. And maybe that's what bothers and worries me the most. Maybe I can't sort my feelings out because I'm failing to understand him and _I_ _don't want that_ , Chungha. I'm trying to understand him when I can't even understand myself and I don't know what I'm supposed to do," he finishes, burying his face above his folded arms on the table.

 

"...Oh my god, Soonyoung. You're tragic."

"I know," he mumbles.

 

Chungha sighs, getting up. "Well, you know what I say?"

"What?"

"I say you go talk to him. Just, talk. Like normal. It doesn't have to be different from any other time. Just talk with him about anything at all. Hang out. Get comfortable. I think being with him can help you realize something."

"He told me to not contact him though. He said he'd like some time and space away from people, including, of course, me."

Chungha blinks. "And you're okay with that?"

"Yeah. I respect his reasons. And it's happened before, too," he raises his head back up. "Sometimes Jihoon shuts everyone out... He goes somewhere— anywhere he wants to; alone. He cuts off his phone and doesn't go to see anyone. He's done it in the middle of a school year before too. This is the first time it's happened in a while, though."

She blinks again. "He does? And what do you do about it?"

"I eventually can't control my stubborn ass, and I'll be the one to knock him back to his senses. I find a way to find him and convince him to, I don't know, come back. Sometimes he does it on his own though."

"But i'm concerned. Why does he do it?"

"I guess it's his way of coping with his problems. He always tells me he can't be around people when he's not his normal self because it feels suffocating," Soonyoung replies in a quiet voice, playing with his hands. "But i'm honestly really worried about this time... Especially because of, you know, last night," he mumbles, looking up at her.

 

"Hearing about him is painful, Soonyoung. I'm sure he _is_ a great person. I hope you can make him happy."

He smiles wistfully. "I hope so too. I want to be there for him and I want to help him— I really do. But I want to know if he wants me to."

Chungha nods. "I'm sure he does. Maybe he's just having difficulty reaching out. Anyway," she says, tying her hair up. "I need to be somewhere soon. The only thing I have left to say is that you should give him space. But I want you to be alert. I want you to make sure that you'll do your best to be with him and come to his aid if he, I don't know, breaks. I trust that you'd know just what to do, not overdoing anything."

 

She reaches out to fix a few messy strands of Soonyoung's light hair. "Piece him back together, Soonyoung. Maybe, just maybe, he'll know that you love him. And he'll realize that after all this damn time, he's stupid to not have acknowledged the fact that he definitely loves you as well," she ends, smiling at him.

 

"Smile, Soonyoung. You'll need it."

He does as told. "Thank you for everything, Chungha. I'm glad we're still friends."

"And I'm glad i could be of help. See ya, Soonyoung."

"You too."

 

And with that, he's once again left alone with his thoughts. He now realizes _a lot_. Chungha must be some sort of god.

 

* * *

 

Soonyoung is home the rest of the day, finishing the homework he'll turn in for the week.

 

Homework is never fun to do, but it certainly is much more miserable when one can't stop worrying about a certain somebody.

 

He shakes his head out of it, stretching from his desk, as he's halfway through his third essay, checking the time. It's 8PM, and Soonyoung decides that that's enough work for today.

 

His exams week was over anyways, and he had the rest of this week for completion and submissions of other stuff, then they had a Christmas party on Friday.

 

It sure was starting to get cold nowadays. The snowfall was late compared to every year, but it came last week anyway.

 

He opens up the pull-down compartment his desk had, which had two rows and columns of small shelves that contained random stuff and lots of motivational notes for when he does schoolwork.

 

One-fourth of it was solely dedicated to pictures of people important to him. Taped to its wall was a picture of his class, his family, and his dance team, and on the actual shelf was perched two small picture frames. The one on the left was a picture of SHINee— oops, um, yeah, moving on. The other one was a picture of him and Jihoon taken on Soonyoung's birthday earlier that year.

 

He picks the frame up, wiping it with his shirt. They both wore wide smiles, and he surely remembers the moment it was taken by one of his classmates, clear as day. Soonyoung's then-black hair was covered with bright colors of confetti, and he was sat on a chair. They had surprised him after class that afternoon. Jihoon stood behind him, his arms laying on Soonyoung's shoulders, Jihoon's hand pinching his cheek.

 

Ah, so cute. So cute and happy and full of life, the both of them. And Jihoon. God, Jihoon. Soonyoung missed him. Everytime he knew Jihoon was in one of his slumps, Soonyoung missed him every day, no matter how long it had been since he'd last seen him. Fuck, was he worried. No matter what Soonyoung did, he _thought_. He thought and thought too much about him. Soonyoung had many thoughts about anything and everything, and his whole realization of his Jihoon infatuation wasn't helping.

 

He thought about last night, and what could've happened if he didn't get to Jihoon in time. He thought about how Jihoon had finally been opening up to him, but he just let it all slip away. He thought about when they got home, and how light and petite Jihoon was on his back. Soonyoung thought about the cold, and Jihoon in his bed, his tight hug and his body warmth and the entirety of Jihoon against him, feeling like comfort, like love, like _home_.

 

Jihoon must be cold. Jihoon loves winter, but his immune system isn't the strongest out there. Plus, he was drunk last night. Soonyoung wonders, is he feeling okay? Is he feeling sick? Is he taking care of himself? Is he eating a lot? Does he need anything? Soonyoung would gladly be at Jihoon's beck and call at this moment because, god, _he was so fucking in love_.

 

Soonyoung sighs, slowly putting the photo frame back in place, closing the desk compartment.

 

As if on cue, he hears his name being called downstairs and he remembers that he was supposed to do some chores, oops, so he calls out a "coming," heading downstairs.

 

* * *

 

It's dark, and it's late, considering it's a Monday tomorrow, but Soonyoung is tossing and turning and he can't sleep at all. He stops fighting the feeling bothering him, then sits up on his bed, reaching for his phone on the nightstand.

 

**To: uji uji uji**

  
**prince**  
Hey  
[sent 1:20 AM]

I miss you  
[sent 1:22 AM]

..see you tomorrow? :)  
[sent 1:23 AM]

Sleep tight, Jihoonie.  
[sent 1:23 AM]

i love you|  
i lov|  
|

 

And he locks his phone, placing it back to where it was, and Soonyoung groans into his pillow. So much for trying to not bother Jihoon.

 

* * *

 

But Jihoon doesn't show up at school the next day. Not even for the whole week.

 

Not until Soonyoung gets a call the night of the last school weekday, resulting to a major, spontaneous change of plans.

 

It's the fourth time, but not quite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all, once more, for reading. i appreciate it ^.^ next update might also come a bit late. im rly sorry !!! writing two fics at the same time isn't that easy
> 
> goodbye again~


	5. if you're experiencing your first dose of reality right now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will we do this together? let's succeed and meet again  
> if you're experiencing your first dose of reality right now  
> will you have a different smile from back then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title comes from 'will last forever' by akmu
> 
> this chapter was lightly influenced by a few scenes from the book 'aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe' by benjamin alire sáenz, and also from 'paper towns' by john green
> 
> if you've read both those books i think you'll get what i mean lmao
> 
> enjoy reading~

The afternoon sunlight flows in through the window, where Kwon Soonyoung sits in his classroom. Head down and arms folded on his desk, the blond appears to be dozing off, but in truth he only does so as to not be bothered by anyone as he waits for their homeroom teacher to come in. Finally, he can get home soon and then it'll be holiday vacation.

 

Not too long after, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Soonyoung looks to his left to meet the gaze of the person who sits next to him, Changkyun. Soonyoung notices the class go quiet, until he looks up to see that the teacher has arrived, so he sits straight back up, mumbling a small thanks to Changkyun.

 

The teacher proceeds with the usual routine, sat on her desk with an attendance sheet checked twice a day (in the morning and in the afternoon), and her eyes scanning over the class like always.

 

"Kang Chanji."

  
"Here."

  
"Kim Hanhee."

  
"Here!"

  
"Kwon Soonyoung."

  
"...I'm here," he says, raising his hand, accidentally making eye contact with the teacher. She narrows her eyes at him, a rather curious expression on her face, but doesn't skip a beat in calling the next names anyway.

 

The next names flow right out of Soonyoung's ears until he notices that it was almost a certain someone's name. "...Lee Sunhee."

  
"Here!"

  
"And Lee Jihoon?"

 

No one replies.

 

The teacher sighs, shaking her head as she stares at Jihoon's empty seat. "That's the third week this school year..." She says to herself, though heard by many, jotting something down on the paper.

 

Once all names are called, conversations for their Christmas party plans to be held the following day are finalized, but Soonyoung stays as stoic as ever through the period, the words seeming inaudible to him as he plays with his hands, staring out the window impatiently.

 

Soonyoung knows. Soonyoung knows all the pairs of eyes staring at him. He knows about those who talk about him in hushed voices. He knows about the extra attention paid to him since the beginning of the week, as if the attention given to his normal, bright, optimistic, and even proclaimed attractive self was never enough.

 

Soonyoung is well aware that anybody who usually stands out because of their striking personality is definitely strange when they act uncharacteristically. So, the other people around will start to think that it's alright to snoop into their personal business because they're supposed to be nice and approachable, but actually, it is _never_ alright. Not in Soonyoung's case, at least. (And definitely not in Jihoon's either.)

 

He gazes outside the window, his chin resting on his right fist, as he watches the small figures of people play on the snow-covered track field.

 

"...young-ssi... Soonyoung-ssi!" calls a female's voice, whom he later registers as his teacher's, making him blink with his eyes wide, turning to look at her, his posture shooting up immediately.

 

"Y-Yes, ma'am?"

  
"I have called you for _four_ times to get your attention, Soonyoung-ssi. How are you? Are you not feeling well?"

  
Soonyoung hears the whispers of his classmates come from all directions of the room, making his left hand placed on his thigh under the desk tightly close into a fist and grip the fabric of his pants, crumpling it. He inhales deeply before replying, "Thank you for worrying ma'am, but I'm... I'm fine. I'm sorry for being distracted. It won't happen again," he says quietly, bowing before forcing a small smile at her.

 

She sends her a, more or less, unconvinced look, her eyebrows furrowed. "Okay. Is it alright if I excuse you after dismissal for a while? I'd like to have a word."

  
Soonyoung blinks, unsure of whatever that is. He gulps before answering, "Yes, ma'am."

 

The rest of the hour passes by in a daze, but Soonyoung was only getting more and more anxious. He shakes his leg under his desk, and his hands are wanting to do something, so he puts his school things back in his bag. After the clock hits 4:30, and the class all stands to bid a farewell, and the cliques among them shuffling out quickly, Soonyoung remains in his seat, still shaking his leg. The teacher approaches him once everyone leaves, and sits in the chair in front of him.

 

She sends a friendly smile. "Hello, Soonyoung-ssi."

  
Soonyoung only nods and mumbles a "Hello."

  
"I know you probably have somewhere else to be right now, but I promise this won't take long."

  
She exhales. "You're a great student, Soonyoung, really. You're bright and positive and determined. And because you're in my class, it's my responsibility to worry about you and my other students... I just noticed that you seem a bit off— and, well— _down_ this week... Is there— is there anything bothering you? Would it be alright if you could enlighten me, even just a little?" She asks, a warm and almost motherly look on her face, eyes sincere and expectant.

 

Soonyoung looks away from her, closing his eyes for a few moments before opening them to reply, "It's— it's quite personal... I'm sorry, I don't think I'd like to, um, talk about it.

  
She nods. "I understand... I just want you to know that I'll be here if you need me. Okay, Soonyoung?"

  
"Okay."

  
"That's all. You may go now," she says, smiling.

 

Soonyoung's near the door when he's called once again. "Oh, I'm sorry! One more thing," she says, striding over to him. "You and Lee are close, aren't you? Lee— Lee Jihoon-ssi, I mean."

  
Soonyoung freezes. _Had she caught on_? He clears his throat. "U-Um, I guess we are..."

  
"Oh, good. Have you— have you heard anything from him? Why is he not attending class _again_?"

 

The gaze in her eyes told and urged Soonyoung to admit to the truth about Jihoon, however the pang in his heart bothered him and wanted him to lie. Soonyoung lies.

 

"He told me he caught the flu."

  
The teacher's expression falters. "...Oh, is that so? That's... unfortunate. I wish he'll be able to attend our Christmas party. Then, um, tell him to feel better soon for me, hm? You know I worry about that boy. Living alone and all."

  
With her seeming to believe it, Soonyoung smiles. "I know. Will do. See you tomorrow," and leaves the room to go home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

But now it's 10PM and Soonyoung is supposed to stay at home and guard while his parents are out, yet that's exactly what he isn't doing right now, getting ready to sneak out and _urgently_ meet with the Lee Jihoon himself, having just ended a 5 minute call with him to have a spontaneous roadtrip to somewhere, /anywhere/, in the middle of the cold, cold December night.

 

It didn't make sense to Soonyoung at all. What, two teenagers with no licenses out to drive somewhere together past their curfew? Putting into consideration the fact that Jihoon had ignored him for five days but calls to offer him this? This— this crazy, unplanned idea out of nowhere? Is Jihoon crazy? They could end up sick. They could end up in the police station. They could end up lost. Worst case scenario, even dead.

 

Even if the two of them do die in the occurance of a worst case scenario, Soonyoung believes that dying together with him doesn't seem so bad.

 

It didn't make sense to him at all, but here he is, almost out his door.

 

Soonyoung is pretty sure that he is now equally as crazy as his best friend.

 

It's a fine night. The chilly breeze hits Soonyoung's face, pleasant yet bitter at the same time, as he runs two blocks down from his street to where Jihoon said the pickup truck he'd borrowed was parked by the vacant lot of land.

 

He spots the red vehicle and heads to it, the breath he's now chasing fogging up around his mouth once he stops in front of the younger boy sat on the back deck, a beer bottle encircling his lips.

 

Heaving, Soonyoung bends his back downwards, his hands on his knees. "...H-Hi."

  
Jihoon brings the bottle down, his expression just as blank. "Hi."

  
"You— y-you, uhm— you changed your hair," he says, making gestures toward his own hair.

 

"Hm. I did. You know, I personally like it."

  
"It does suit you. I haven't seen you with black hair in a bit too long. I— I really like it as well."

  
"...Thanks," he says, before taking another swig of his beer. "So are you coming with me or what?"

  
"But— hello, you're _drinking_ , Hoon."

  
Said boy takes another drink. "So? I'm drinking, not _drunk_. Besides," he says, getting up and jumping off the back deck, standing face to face with the taller. "If you don't want me to drive, I think it wouldn't hurt if you drove us."

  
Soonyoung blinks. "Are you sure?"

  
"Did I stutter? I'll tell you where to go," he urges, running to the passenger seat. "Now get your ass in here."

  
"Yes, sir," Soonyoung replies, chuckling.

 

Once Soonyoung's seated, he reaches over to buckle the other in, giving his hair a quick ruffle after. Jihoon smiles.

 

And Soonyoung _swears_ in that very moment, that God forbid anything that'd threaten to take that glint of light away from him— away from the both of them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They drive twenty minutes away from their town, finally deciding that they're far enough to not be recognized.

 

After much persuasion from Jihoon, Soonyoung drops by a convenience, buying them food, and (more) booze— requested by the younger. He's very much glad that the cashier person doesn't mind him twice as he purchases.

 

"You know, Jihoon, my parents would murder me if they found out I bought alcohol _and_ drove away from town without a license at _midnight_."

  
"I know, Soonyoung," he says, taking a snack from the bag. "Let go for just tonight. For me?"

 

And that's all it takes for Soonyoung to let go. Even if he's so worried, he does as told. In truth, he's more concerned about Jihoon than how his parents will scold him. Jihoon has never, ever, asked him to hang out voluntarily after his disappearances. Let alone even act carelessly and _drink_. The two of them have only drunk together, like, twice. And never on their own, with just them. It's strange.

 

After roughly thirty minutes of more driving, the vehicle is brought to a halt.

 

They arrive at a secluded area of the neighboring town, just out by its forest, parking the pickup truck in front of a path leading to a lake.

 

Jihoon gets out the car, and Soonyoung follows. "What are we doing here?"

 

The smaller boy only walks down the path, until he arrives at the lake, Soonyoung following him from behind. It's wide, with the water actually very clear, free of algae or fish or other plants, and the water level probably reaching to their chests if they were to go in, judging by how the moonlight was illuminating the water and made the bottom of the lake be seen to the eyes. It was probably freezing, and it wouldn't be too fun to swim in the coldness of it.

 

"My bad," Jihoon says, taking off his hoodie to reveal a shirt. "I think I'm pretty~yyy drunk right n-now! But just a little," he gestures to open his arms wide. "Just this muuuch~!"

  
Soonyoung blinks, the bottle of beer in his hand given to him earlier still unopened. "Drink up, Soonie! If you dooon't, I'll push ya into the water." Jihoon whines, his cheeks warm, as he lightly pushes the elder.

 

Soonyoung playfully rolls his eyes. "If I do, then who'll drive us home?"

  
"...Well, who says we have to go home?"

 

And they stare at each other silently. It's a weird response that Soonyoung wasn't really expecting from him, what with Jihoon's sudden serious expression and tone, so Soonyoung's quite taken aback. They stay that way for a few moments until Jihoon laughs. "Sorry. 'M just playin' with ya," as he turns around to go sit at the edge of the lake, folding his sweatpants above his knees, putting his feet in the water.

 

Soonyoung sighs, his breath fogging up from the temperature, as he follows again, opting if he should drink. _One won't possibly hurt_ , so he does, squatting to slam the cap on the ground, and surprise himself from his successful opening.

 

He sits down next to his friend, taking a sip from his beer. "Jihoon."

  
"Hm?"

  
"How have you been?"

  
Jihoon thinks that's a funny thing for Soonyoung to say, but he doesn't question it. "I've been alright. It's been nice to be with myself these past few days."

  
Soonyoung hums. "It probably is. What have you been up to?"

  
Jihoon tenses, unsure of how he should reply, or if he should even reply at all. "Just— y'know, the usual."

  
"What do you mean, _the usual_? You haven't told me a lot about anything these days to make it _usual_."

  
Jihoon flinches at his statement, sounding rather harsh. "I— I don't know how I can tell you... 'm sorry."

  
From his peripheral vision, he sees Soonyoung take a swig of his beer, before he speaks up again. "Are you scared?"

  
"Scared... of wha?"

  
"This— this place. I've never been here. And— and tomorrow? Aren't you scared of what could happen now and how it could affect tomorrow? I mean, you'll have a terrible hangover. And we have our class party tomorrow too... Aren't you scared of what people have said about you when you were gone this week?"

  
"That's— that's too much for me to answer. I think I'm always scared, Soonyoung," Jihoon replies quietly.

 

"But you don't seem to ever look like it."

  
"It's cuz I don't like thinking 'bout it."

  
"Then... are you scared of me?" Soonyoung asks him, gaze deep into his eyes.

 

"I— w-why'd I be scared of ya? What makes you think that I am?"

  
Soonyoung looks away to take another sip. Now that he thought about it, his question sounded ridiculous. But he just couldn't help his mouth. "Just— nothing. I don't know. I just wanted to know."

  
Jihoon purses his lips, playing with the water using his hands. "I— I'm not."

  
Soonyoung feels the question he's dying to ask scratch at his throat, so he lets it out. "But why does it feel like you're so far away from me even if you're just right here next to me?" the taller asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

Jihoon looks at him, but immediately back to the water when he sees the hurt in Soonyoung's expression.

 

Soonyoung continues, "It hurts, Jihoon. It hurts me. It makes me feel like I'm not a good enough friend for you— like I'm not good enough for you to confide in and trust and let share your battles with. Because _I'm right here_ and I want you to remember that _I'm right here_ but it a-always," he stutters, pausing, feeling his head get light from a sudden outburst. "Always feels like you're getting further away from me, Ji."

  
The younger replies quietly, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest. "...I don't mean to do that. I-I'm sorry."

  
A few moments of silence, filled with only the elder's heavy breathing, are broken by the sound of his shuffling as he gets up. "I'll be in the truck."

  
Frustration and fear and confusion builds up in Jihoon's chest, as he listens to Soonyoung's footsteps slowly disappear. Voice breaking, he prays to be heard as he calls, "P-Please don't leave," with his head hung down and his hands shaking.

 

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm— I'm so sorry," he hears Soonyoung say, feeling a warm pair of arms wrapped around him in a heartbeat. "That was— I was being insensitive. I'm sorry."

  
Jihoon feels angry, hot tears flow down his cheeks as he curses himself over and over for being the way he is. "I'm f-fucking pathetic."

  
But Soonyoung shushes him, sending reassuring rubs on his back and on the back of his head. He tears away from Jihoon, placing one hand on his shoulder, and the other to wipe his tears. He chuckles, mumbling, "Déjà vu..."

  
Jihoon looks at him for a while, but laughs along. "Tell me about it. Remind me to never drink by myself again."

  
The elder nods. "I'm really sorry. Again. I don't know why I even brought up a topic like that. I only ever think about myself."

  
"Lies! You're the kindest person I know," Jihoon exclaims, pointing a finger at him.

"And... I don't— I don't blame ya. It's the alcohol, prolly." he suggests.

 

But Soonyoung shrugs it off, drinking once more from the bottle in his hands, and Jihoon gets an idea. "Do ya want to do something real crazy?"

  
"As if driving here and drinking at midnight isn't enough?"

  
Jihoon laughs. "It's never enough. Anyway," he says, standing up. "Do ya wanna be crazy 'nough to have a swim in this freezin' to hell lake?"

  
"Your accent is showing."

  
"Don' care. I said do you wanna or not?"

  
Soonyoung runs a hand through his hair. "I don't even care at this point. You do it if you want to."

  
"Suit yourself," Jihoon says, and abruptly gets in the water.

 

"Holy shit! Holy shit, this is so fuckin' cold!"

  
Soonyoung laughs. "Do you even have spare clothes?"

  
"Yeah. I forgot to tell you to bring yours. Now it's either ya don't get to swim 'n enjoy this hell water, or you get in here not wearing anything and freeze ya ass off to deaaath."

  
"I'll take both," Soonyoung says, taking off his shirt, but not his jeans, which he was now rolling up to below his knees.

 

Jihoon cackles. "You are _stupid_ , Kwon Soonyoung."

  
Soonyoung just chugs down the rest of his drink, laughing along with him.

 

And in between the sight and sensation and feeling of water being splashed around to hit each other, obnoxious laughter released a bit too loud, and complaints of feeling too cold and discussing the probability of death from hypothermia, Soonyoung doesn't know how and when or why did he and Jihoon end up kissing in the middle of a fucking lake.

 

It happened all too fast; with Soonyoung suddenly taking in the fact that there were hands on his chest, and his own hands were entangled in Jihoon's hair, and a warmth was spreading rapidly on his face as if that from the alcohol wasn't enough. Before he knew it, he was capturing his best friend's lips in a deep and at first sloppy kiss, their mouths possessing the lingering taste of the same alcohol, noses occasionally bumping from the eagerness to touch, bodies struggling to keep each other upright in the water. Their mouths move against each other, slowly but urgently, calm yet excited, and this is _not_ how Soonyoung had expected his first kiss with his best friend to go _at all_.

 

They pull away for air, their foreheads pressed together. Soonyoung looks him in the eyes and before the other could protest, he kisses him once more, this time with more certainty and confidence, feeling Jihoon's hands tug at his scalp as he lightly sucks on Jihoon's top lip, to which said boy responds with a quiet whimper, not knowing even such small sound would be something to greatly urge Soonyoung on. The taller stops, only to start placing kisses from Jihoon's jawline to the side of his neck, to which the latter complied, unconsciously offering his neck out, shivers passing through his whole body— in a good way— as Soonyoung lapped and sucked hotly at the sensitive skin, having Jihoon breath out, "Soon—" followed by a grunt and a light shove, "N-Not here."

 

Their gazes meet, pupils both dilated and dimmed with desire, chests heaving, breathing warm and smelling of booze, and cheeks tinted scarlet. Jihoon is taken by surprise when he feels Soonyoung's strong pair of arms carry him by the back of his thighs, bringing his legs up to wrap around Soonyoung's waist. Not expecting the sudden movement, Jihoon nearly falls back into the water, until the taller pulls him closer using his hands on Jihoon's back and his butt, making said boy scold him in surprise.

 

"K-Kwon Soonyoung! What're you— ah, yah— put me dooown!"

  
"Hm," Soonyoung mumbles against Jihoon's chest, then snaking his arms around his waist. "No."

 

Jihoon gets tired of protesting, knowing well that Soonyoung won't do as he says this time, so he lets him carry them out of the water, retrieving their discarded dry clothing on the ground from earlier, as they go all the way back to the pickup truck, exchanging light pecks and hasty touching of bodies in between.

 

The black-haired boy's head is light and spinning as he's placed sitting on the deck bed yet he can only focus on _Soonyoung_ and _Soonyoung_ and the soft pink of his lips intoxicated with the scent and taste of alcohol, and the warmth of his bare torso contrasting with the cold water dripping from his light hair. There was some sort of sense of security by the way the long and lingering touches of Soonyoung's lightly calloused palms ran and caressed all over Jihoon's body.

 

"G-Get up here," Jihoon breathes against the elder's lips, tugging on his wrist to signal that he wants him to get up on the deck. Once done, he pushes Soonyoung against the wall, reconnecting their half-parted mouths, his hands intertwining with the other's.

 

Soonyoung can say that he is _not_ yet drunk, but Lee Jihoon felt too good to be true. Soonyoung felt himself unable to not succumb to him, his suppressed feelings betraying him and committing completely to Jihoon. Soonyoung doesn't know if what they're doing at this moment is the right thing to do. He doesn't know what this is. He doesn't know what'll become of the two of them after tonight.

 

Though what Soonyoung did know— at least, he thinks he does— was that all the love and _pining_ and now lust he had been feeling towards Jihoon were all likely dangerous, cruel traps which would just lead him to only a dead end, his heart broken one way or another. Still he did not want to ever let go.

 

Bringing him out of his thoughts, Jihoon starts kissing and sucking at some spots in between his neck and collarbone, hard enough to probably leave a few bruises in the morning— it's up to him however he'll be able to hide that— with a hand fisted in Soonyoung's hair and the other on the wall next to his head as Soonyoung presses Jihoon closer to him, placing him in his lap and running his hands beneath the smaller's still wet shirt, across the smooth skin of his back and his stomach, making Jihoon shudder from the sensitive contact.

 

"Holy s-shit— h-how— how come you're so good at this— oh my g— fuck," Jihoon stutters out.

 

"Y-Yeah? At what?"

  
"At making me feel so fucking good and making my heart nearly pound out of my chest."

 

Though Soonyoung would normally assume it was the alcohol talking and not Jihoon, he doesn't, since he was a selfish person who would very much like to indulge in this fantasy a little more, even if just for a while.

 

Jihoon starts to get more straightforward with what he wants to do, so he takes off his (wet) shirt, cursing under his breath from the cold that hits his skin in no time. But they make out again, this time with Jihoon running his tongue across the roof of inside the blond's mouth experimentally, at the same time undoing the button on said boy's jeans, making him moan loudly _right into Jihoon's mouth_.

 

If you take two natural born determined leaders, such as Soonyoung and Jihoon, a battle of dominance is never backed down from so easily. If Soonyoung can touch his ass and suck his face off and carry him up with no warning, then it's only fair for Jihoon to mark hickeys on him and tease his clothing off and bring out those fucking pornstar moans of his.

 

Pulling away from the kiss, Soonyoung huskily grumbles into Jihoon's ear, gripping his wrist to stop going any further. "W-Watch where your hands are going, Jihoonie."

  
"Hm? Why? Whaddya gon' do about it, _Soonyoungie_?" The younger tauts, the tease dripping from his tone.

 

Jihoon _does_ learn what _Soonyoungie_ will do about it, when his body is pinned down in a blink, both his wrists restrained, and Soonyoung on top of him, his knees placed next to Jihoon's sides, sharp eyes of dark brown challenging him as if saying, "Don't pretend like you don't know what I want to do."

 

And now Soonyoung is intently looking at Jihoon, admiring him, taking in his every little feature. Soonyoung takes in the seemingly porcelain of his moonlit skin, the abundant dust of red on his cheeks making him look smaller than ever, fragile even. He observes the rise and fall of his chest as he regains his breath after their much kissing; his soft half-parted scarlet lips swollen and a little pouty. His damp raven hair fell above his eyes perfectly, messed up from the many times Soonyoung had ran his hands through it. He reads the expression glassed over the twinkle of his eyes— somewhat possessing a longing, or a desire, or an uncertainty, or fear— maybe even a mixture of all of it. But _god_ does Soonyoung think that Jihoon is the most beautiful boy ever, and he's trembling because it's all too different to feel intimate with his best friend, but still it feels like it's only the two of them and their beating hearts that exist and matter in this very moment that he would never, ever want to fade away.

 

So he lets go of Jihoon's right wrist, only to hold the side of Jihoon's face in his hand. His warm hand tenderly caresses it, and the younger boy leans into his touch, closing his eyes. Soonyoung feels his heart leap and his cheeks burn at the sight, and then and there he decides that _he can't do this_.

 

He starts off with "H-Hoonie, I..." but he trails off away in hesitation.

 

"Hm? What is it?" He asks, eyes still closed.

 

"I..."

  
"You...?"

  
"I can't— I can't do this."

  
Jihoon opens his eyes, meeting his. "...Huh? Do what?"

  
"Whatever you've been anticipating me to do. I've been... I've been acting carelessly. God, I'm stupid. I should know better than to take advantage of somebody in a state like this," he says quietly, sitting back up properly and retracting his hand. "I'm sorry."

  
"Don't be sorry. You're nothin' like that guy from that night. I feel safe with ya," he replies, reaching out for Soonyoung's hand, placing it on his cheek again, and closing his eyes again. "I trust and trust you completely, Soonyoung-ah."

 

Soonyoung feels even more bad, as if a spear of guilt went straight through and out his heart. He's scared. Soonyoung _wants_ to believe Jihoon had only reciprocated his actions because he was 1) drunk, 2) lonely, 3) frustrated, and 4) because this was supposed to be all completely platonic and Soonyoung doesn't mind kissing his best friend _at all_ just because them both being hormonal teenagers who are around each other often and have certain needs is a rational enough reason for Soonyoung to give in and forget his own emotional attachments to him. (Rational enough for him to settle with it, rather than having his hopes up and eventually feel stupid when his heart gets ruthlessly obliterated into pieces.)

 

And though that is what Soonyoung wants to believe, the words "I trust you," alone make him break down all of the reasons why it's not impossible for Jihoon to like him back too.

 

"Though I've been selfish and unable to share my thoughts these days," Jihoon mumbles, holding Soonyoung's hand. "I trust you. Trust ya more than I trust m'self. You know me. Self-destructive and all that shizzle."

 

Neither of them say anything for a few moments, and Soonyoung really wants to just lay down next to him and stop time, not minding the rest of the world. But he doesn't.

 

Jihoon opens his eyes, letting go of Soonyoung's hand. "Let's go home, Soon. I'm—" he yawns mid-sentence. "—'m sleepy," he grumbles, rummaging through the deck and slipping on a dry new shirt, then putting his hoodie over it. He lays back down. "I'll... I'll sleep here. Just drop me off when we get back, hm?"

  
Soonyoung blinks, just watching him with the trace of a fond smile. "Mm. Good night," he whispers, leaning over to kiss Jihoon on the forehead, after his eyes had fluttered closed.

 

Soonyoung doesn't get up for a few minutes until Jihoon stills. For good measure, Soonyoung decides to risk everything at that moment, as he says under his breath, "I... I love you."

  
He's put his shirt back on, about to get off and go drive, but he stops in his tracks. "...I woulda said I love you too, but sober Jihoon would never _ever_ forgive me."

  
Soonyoung is shocked, feeling his breath hitch, and he's about to open his mouth to respond, but Jihoon speaks again. "Forget I said anything," and like hell does that make the fuzzy feeling die down to unease.

 

He shakes his head as he enters the driver's seat, ignoring the painful thumping of his heart and his head, cursing himself and the entire universe.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's three in the morning when Soonyoung has finished safely taking Jihoon back, parking the car, walking back to his own home, changing into new clothes, and now he has flopped down onto his bed, clutching his chest and trying his best not to break down and cry.

 

 

* * *

 

 

to: **prince**

 **[uji uji uji]**  
last night was wrong.  
**[sent 11:42 AM]**

it meant nothing, and it was my fault.  
**[sent 11:42 AM]**

don't blame yourself for anything.  
**[sent 11:43 AM]**

please forget it all ever happened.  
**[sent 11:45 AM]**

i'm asking you a favor.  
**[sent 11:46 AM]**

don't worry about me.  
**[sent 11:50 AM]**

don't think about me.  
**[sent 11:50 AM]**

and don't go finding me.  
**[sent 11:50 AM]**

i know i'm selfish, and i'm sorry.  
**[sent 11:52 AM]**

goodbye.  
**[sent 11:52 AM]**

have a merry christmas, soonyoung.  
**[sent 11:53 AM]**

 

It's already the fifth time, but it's a far cry from anything Soonyoung had wanted. He would've learned by now, but he hasn't. It's not very pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading
> 
> also
> 
> happy 2018!! this is my first update so hi hi hi
> 
> i just want to thank everyone who had taken much interest in my latest work (my christmas one shot called 'much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing')
> 
> this work will sadly come to an end soon :((( i really enjoyed writing this even if i couldn't bear to read my own work lmao
> 
> there's only one more chapter i have left to write, but i do have a few other plans in mind ;)
> 
> thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fic uwu it's my first fic that i published and didn't chicken out from ever so it means a lot to me to see people enjoy it
> 
> anyway
> 
> i'll see you again soon???
> 
> bye <333
> 
> (pls leave a comment or something they're the only things that keep me going lmfao)


	6. your eyes will lead me straight back home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i could take the back road, but,  
> your eyes will lead me straight back home.  
> and if you know me like i know you,  
> you should love me, you should know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready to read the messiest shitstorm i call a chapter i have ever written.
> 
> chapter (and story) title comes from ed sheeran's 'friends'.
> 
> pls read end notes. i'm not always this honest.
> 
> i want to say that none of this would have been possible without you guys who have supported me!! this work, my other works, and all my upcoming works would have never happened without you all so i'm really happy ;;;; it's such a nice feeling to be able to share my works with all of you without worrying too much ^^
> 
> enjoy reading xx

Have you ever wondered how you would be living at this moment if you had never met a person? If they had never been in your life? If they hadn't been the person they originally were to you? Sure, they would still exist, but they wouldn't be any bit significant at all.

 

And I mean, anyone. Just anyone.

 

Maybe if you had a different kindergarten teacher, maybe you would learn how to get along better with the other children, or maybe you never would even have gotten along with them at all. Maybe if you'd gotten inspired by a different person growing up, maybe your peers would like you and approach you for it, or maybe you would be ignored by many. Maybe if the person you met at the first party or club you attended was different, maybe you'd end up wanting to see them more every party, or maybe you'd never even want to attend another one ever again.

 

For Lee Jihoon, who was currently sitting in his grandmother's lounge, his hands nestling a warm mug of coffee, he imagines how he would have been living without certain people.

 

Jihoon had the worst of both worlds with his parents. If it weren't for his father, he'd be living in the province for most of his life with his mother and his grandparents. He'd never have to move to the city. He'd probably grow up to be some baseball jock, and he'd probably never discover his knack for music. For lack of less harsh terms, he'd be saner up in the head.

 

If it weren't for his mother though, he'd probably never even live a normal life with his father. Maybe he'd live away from civilization, and he wouldn't even go to school properly. He'd be a cruel, heartless person, partaking in the dirty bullshit his father had up. He'd be even more knocked up in the head, but that's no better than his original life where he had to live watching his father make every day living hell for his mother.

 

And Jihoon knows that this is the part where he's supposed to say that he vows to never fall in love, or that all guys are the same, or anything along those cheesy lines. He's so close to living up to this but what stops him is because 1) he realizes he's actually gay, and 2) all guys are the same, with the exception of Kwon Soonyoung.

 

But, the thing that balanced out his fate— what shaped him up into the person he is— what led him to Soonyoung is Jihoon's parents being together and coexisting in his life. He has to give them that much credit.

 

Now that neither of them are really in his life, it's unclear to him how things are going to work out. He stares at the framed picture of his mother on the mantelpiece, and sighs.

 

"It's been three months, Mom. Don't you know how much I've been missing you? You're... you're so mean."

 

Jihoon shakes his head, unlocking his phone, opening it to find a new message from... Soonyoung.

 

 **[prince]**  
It's snowing hard today, are you keeping warm?  
**[received 3:58 PM]**

don't get sick, yeah?  
**[received 3:58 PM]**

And... i've been meaning to ask if you were still taking your medication?  
**[received 4:02 PM]**

Just take care for me, okay?  
**[received 4:03 PM]**

_Yeah, Soonyoung. I will._

_I won't get sick._  
_I won't stay up too late._  
_I won't ignore your messages._  
_I'll drink my pills again._  
_I'll take care._  
_I'll be whoever you want me to be._

_But why is it I'm finding myself doing everything you tell me to do?_

_Fucking Soonyoung._

_I told you not to talk to me. I told you not to look for me. I ran away from you after fucking leading you on that night. I even told you it didn't mean shit to me._  
_Even if it hurt me to tell you that._

_I did all of this, but why do you keep on making things difficult?_

_Isn't that enough for you to consider me the worst fucking friend ever?_

_Can't you ever mind your own business?_

_Can't you ever stop caring about me?_

_Why do you keep telling me you love me?_  
_For instance, that night you crashed over at my place, then you said you loved me before you went to sleep, while sat on the floor with your head down on the sofa, and your back hurt in the morning._  
_And that time you hurt yourself playing basketball and I patched you up then we banted and you told me I should smile more then out of nowhere told me you loved me._  
_More importantly, the night we kissed for the first time and I was balls drunk and now I wish I wasn't and you had to stop yourself from making out with me on the back of that red pickup and I wondered why'd you stop but maybe I don't want to know why anymore, then you got up because we had to go back home and I pretended to fall asleep but you said that you loved me and I swore you sounded so scared but I don't even remember what I said back anymore. It worries me now because aren't you still together with your girlfriend? Yet you went out with me that night and what the fuck, we kissed._

_Why do you keep showing me that you love me?_  
_Like that summer we went to camp when we were like fourteen and I slipped during the forest trip and my ankle got sprained, but we still had a river to cross and, like, thirty more minutes to go, then you decided to carry me on your back the whole time even if you got dirty from my shoes._  
_Or that night during Christmas break when I hung out at yours and we stayed up late just to watch Full Moon wo Sagashite and it was so ridiculous that we could have been watching porn like the typical male teenagers were supposed to do, but no we were watching a magical girl anime._  
_And the day of my mother's funeral when I couldn't even cry because things haven't sinked in yet at all, but then they were lowering her down and you held my hand so tightly and kissed the top of my head I started to cry._

_Why do you even love me?_  
_That night I thought I was going to die. That man's dirty hands all over me and I was so sure I'd be done for and I hated myself so much because was that really all I could do? But you were fucking there again like you always were and I couldn't believe you were fucking there again. You saved me and you touched me gently and you spoke to me so softly and you looked at me like I was the only important thing to you at that very moment and you took me home. You laid me on your bed and everything seemed fine but I couldn't control myself and I broke down in front of you and even if I know I looked so helpless and so stupid and so ugly, you didn't turn away from me. You fucking hugged me and I fucking cried and I couldn't fucking breathe because what the fuck were you doing? You even told me I was beautiful and that I was loved and important and you kissed my arms and my head and you just held me there, and I was drowning in the warmth of you, and for the first time, I thought that maybe things would be alright. And you didn't have to say it that time because I felt it. I felt that you loved me. But when you did say it, I was so scared. I said you were only saying that from the alcohol when I knew you didn't even smell like it. Then did I realize that putting a label on things was what made it sound so scary. I think I knew that I loved you too that time, but I was just so terrified because I didn't know how to tell you that I felt the same way. Maybe I was unsure if you even meant it in the romantic way I wanted you to mean it. I let myself sleep, and we did, and I woke up before dawn feeling so sorry, so I went to leave and I saw your parents on the way but I couldn't even face them properly. Still, I left._

_Maybe you thought I was starting to open up to you. But I let you down because I wasn't ready for that. I was just... filled with fear. I left. I didn't want to hurt you by doing that. I never wanted to hurt you. You protected me from the world. I protected you from myself. I was always the selfish one. I wanted you to hate me, and I wanted to bring myself to hate you, but why does it seem like it's you who completes me?_

_Why do you even love me?_

_And why do I even like to believe that you actually do?_

_Stop it._

_You only do things like this in the heat of the moment._

_You're only pitiful of me._

_And that's what I hate the most._

_I'm afraid I'm not the person you're looking for and supposedly fell in love with in the first place anymore._

_I'm afraid I don't know myself the way you know me._

_I'm afraid I'll end up disappointing you too much._

_I'm afraid you'll eventually realize I'm not really worth shit at all._

_And you'll leave._

_Like everyone else does, when they decide they're tired of me._

_You know I hate being a burden more than anything else. Well, first to being pitied, that is._

_Don't make yourself regret this._

_Please, Soonyoung_.

 

And there they go again. The good ol' headline, "Soonyoung protects Jihoon from the world. Jihoon protects Soonyoung from himself." How tragic.

 

Jihoon pops open the bottle of antidepressants.

 

* * *

 

 **[prince]**  
Hey

it's me again

sorry

It's Christmas!

I pictured I'd be with you today

I think you'd love my present but you aren't here with me.

Oh and I made a snowperson with Chungha today!!  
**[image attached]**

It was fun

I forgot to tell you we already broke up btw

We're still friends though.

How about us?

I mean

Are we...

um

no nevermind

Sorry, Jihoon.

Merry Christmas.

Since I know you're not a big eggnog fan, I hope you enjoy a nice pie and cocoa instead ^_^

Don't catch a cold wherever u are

and don't stay outside too long!!  
**[received 9:12 AM]**

 

...So they did break up, Jihoon learns.

 

There's only 18 days left until he graduates, too.

 

Still, he doesn't know how he's supposed to face... everything. Face Soonyoung. Face the reality of their so-called friendship. Face the people at school. Face his fucking future, because, hell, he can't imagine it without thinking of Soonyoung and his' perfect plans of going to college together.

 

In fact, Jihoon can't even think of Soonyoung without the self-hate running through him.

 

He thinks of Soonyoung and he sees his smile.

  
He thinks of Soonyoung and he hears his silly, uncle laugh.

  
He thinks of Soonyoung and he longs to feel his warm pair of arms around him again, like all those many times.

  
He thinks of Soonyoung and he believes that he is deserving of no pain, only all the good of this world.

  
He thinks of Soonyoung and he is constantly reminded of what a terrible "friend" he's been to him.

 

Because, what, he's technically the only trusted friend Jihoon has left, but here he is, constantly being thrown off and shut out by the latter whenever he tries to get too close, making him think that, huh, maybe Jihoon doesn't really trust him all that much. Maybe Jihoon just comes back whenever he wishes to because he doesn't want to be alone. Maybe Jihoon just wants to play with people and their silly, fickle, little feelings. Just maybe.

 

It's puzzling, really, because things were never like this. Wasn't it always Soonyoung and Jihoon against the world? But why, ever since god-knows-when, why have they been going the wrong ways? Why have they been making the wrong decisions? Why do they have to go endure this distance between them, stuck with their own thoughts, forced to go into deep realizations about each other?

 

They are losing themselves and each other slowly.

 

But that's not what Soonyoung wants.  
That's not what Jihoon wants.

 

Because Jihoon thinks of Soonyoung and he remembers the look in his eyes whenever they meet with his— and he has to think that, god, he wants to be with him, _he wants to be with him so fucking bad_ , but the world is such a cruel mistress to them both, because _why does simply wanting to be with someone have to be a lifetime commitment that Jihoon can't seem to swallow_?

 

Jihoon hears from people throughout his life that when you realize you love someone, everything else doesn't have to matter, everything else isn't meant to be thought of or worried about.

 

He does realize he loves Soonyoung, but love is such a terrifying word. He likes Soonyoung, he likes him so, so, so much more than the word can imply. He wants Soonyoung, he wants to be with him, he wants to be there for him, he wants them to be together. He needs Soonyoung in his life because he needs to believe that pain shouldn't be all there is to living.

 

It's a fickle thing, really.

 

* * *

 

 **[prince]**  
Jihoon

I just wanted to tell you to have a happy new year

i hope things go your way and you'll be prosperous and full of blessings!

The fireworks are so, so, beautiful here.

They remind me of you.

not in a creepy or sad way !!

They just do. Simple as that.  
**[received 12:09 AM]**

 **[uji uji uji]**  
hey, soonyoung

 **[prince]**  
?!?!?!¿? !!!!

 **[uji uji uji]**  
i think i may owe you a big apology.

for being the world's largest  
asshole, that is

just wanted to say i'm sorry

for like, everything

it's the new year, after all

happy new year to you as well

 **[prince]**  
yes????

Happy new year, Jihoonie!!!!

Does this mean that we're like,,,,

okay?

 **[uji uji uji]**  
hm

 **[prince]**  
hm????¿¿?

Thats all you got to say??!?

 **[uji uji uji]**  
depends

 **[prince]**  
No omg I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so sorry : <

 **[uji uji uji]**  
i'm just joking, you dork

i believe it's up to you to decide

it's me who was acting like a dick

(don't try to argue with me on this.)

 **[prince]**  
Ok i wont

Well, then, of course we're okay !!

 **[uji uji uji]**  
...okay

that's good

i'm glad

i missed you, you know

 **[prince]**  
!!!!!!!!!

i

I obviously missed you too a lot ;;;

 **[uji uji uji]**  
it took me a lot of balls to say that,  
soonyoung

it took me a lot of balls to text you  
all that

in fact, it took me a lot of balls to  
even read your messages

 **[prince]**  
Ok can we stop talking about balls bc it's so weird to imagine you talking about it

 **[uji uji uji]**  
omg soonyoung

 **[prince]**  
Hahahah no but really I'm happy you took that step!!

You're a great person, Lee Jihoon.

 **[uji uji uji]**  
thank you.

i think you are as well, kwon  
soonyoung.  
**[sent 12:36 AM]**

 

And maybe things will be alright.

 

Eleven days until graduation.

 

Yeah, they'll hold out 'til then.

 

Hopefully.

 

* * *

 

"Soonyoung, what's that?"

  
"What is what?"

  
"The— the thing you're writing."

  
"Oh!! It's— uh, it's my graduation speech."

  
"You entered the raffle thing?"

  
"Yeah. I want it to be memorable."

  
Jihoon furrows his eyebrows, nodding his head. "Okay. I see. I won't ask to see it. Surprise me?" he says, then laughs. "Good luck on that!"

  
Soonyoung gapes at him for a few moments, before blinking and chuckling back. "Thanks, Jihoonie," he says, before Jihoon just nods and returns to dozing off on his desk, the sunlight coming down on him through the classroom window.

 

 _Pretty_ , Soonyoung thinks, before continuing to jot down more words in his notebook for the rest of the time, until lunch break is over.

 

He doesn't know that Jihoon entered too, though.

 

A week left until graduation.

 

* * *

 

 _It's today_ , Jihoon thinks. Everything he's worked for. Everything he's experienced. Was it all worth it? Jihoon doesn't know. Maybe his life will finally begin from hereon?

 

Things have been going pretty well these days for him. Or so he could say. But truthfully, he's been feeling less down, and a little bit more towards the good side each passing day. Maybe he'll grow to appreciate the things his pills do for him.

 

He can see it too. He can see how the rest of the world is reacting to how he's changed. Everyone approaches him more easily now. They get surprised when he says something nicer than his usual snarky remark. He's been more participative and patient with others, in the course of a little over a week. The light music club he presides over is shocked at his not-strictness as well, earning him much hugs, head pats, and shouts of thanks. Their last club meeting was emotional too, to say the least.

 

Soonyoung too. Jihoon wants to deny it, but he sees that Soonyoung is proud of him. Maybe Soonyoung likes him better that way? Because Jihoon himself sure as hell does.

 

"...For this is only the end of an era. The prosperous beginning of all things good and bad are yet to come. And they start with you. With all of you. With us, the youth of today, and the saviors of tomorrow. And I wish to embark on this journey with all of you, now that we have come to this end. The future may be uncertain, but the lit party after this isn't," the current student on the podium says as she continues her speech, with a lot of the other kids laughing. Jihoon finds himself chuckling along too, and his gaze meets Soonyoung's, who looked back at Jihoon, sat a row in front of him.

 

Jihoon doesn't catch the rest of her speech, and it's time for the next student to be picked.

 

It's like he wants to be picked, but at the same time he doesn't.

 

And, what are the odds, because the person called next is Kwon Soonyoung.

 

Jihoon watches him stand up, his bright smile etched on his face, the gazes of the other students burning at him, until he's gotten up the stage and towards the podium. He scans the crowd for Jihoon, and when they do lock eyes, the latter smiles, sending him a thumbs-up.

 

Soonyoung clears his throat, takes a deep breath, and calls everyone out through the mic, "Is everyone having a good day so far?" which receives some whoops and replies of enthusiasm, to which Soonyoung laughs at.

 

"Well, I sure am. As you have all heard, my name is Kwon Soonyoung. I'm from Class 3-C!" and the said class, along with Jihoon, all cheer.

 

"Just to start off, I want to say that my speech might be a little different among the others. It's... uh, how do I put this? It's cheesy. In a good way. I hope I can make you cry or something," he says jokingly.

 

"They say that high school, especially the last year of it, is supposedly the best days of your entire life, or something cheesy like that. It's an overused saying."

  
"It might apply to you," he says, pointing at a group of students. "And it might apply to you too," he points, at the audience of parents. "But I beg to differ."

 

"High school has taken up the first place for my list of 'The Most Frustrating Days of My Entire Life,' to say the least. Honestly, my days here, if not happy or exciting, have all been embarrassing, or like, I don't know, awkward? And that's okay! Stuff like that happens. It's reality and all. I think what's important is that we did learn and experience something."

  
"I'm forever thankful for education, though. Education is vital, and I just want to thank my parents over there for getting me into a really good school!"

  
"So much for the clout, I know," he remarks, and a few laugh with him.

 

"These days will, in time, eventually fade into months. Months will turn into years, and before we know it, it's been a whole _decade_ , and none of us here will have been the same after that much has passed."

  
"Maybe if a reunion of sorts is held, you'll never know if we'll have difficulty recognizing each other. I find that funny. Maybe someone'll have been one of the top doctors in Korea. Maybe someone'll have lived in a foreign country. I may not know it now, but I could be looking at a future celebrity at this moment. Maybe someone'll have just gotten out of jail. I'm kidding, ma'am! Anyway, maybe the resident high school sweethearts will have still been together, and maybe they would already have started a family. Or maybe old flames, something cheesy like that, will have been rekindled, and two people will find each other again. I mean— not limited to just two, you know— polyamory! I'm all for that," he says, chuckling.

 

"And you know, maybe some of us will have had even more better days since high school! I believe I will."

 

"I know that a lot of us are scared. I, for a fact, am scared. If we do hold a reunion in, say, ten years, I'm also scared I'll have drifted away from people I cared about. I don't know how to be an adult yet. I'm scared I won't do too well in college. I'm scared the university I've been wanting to get into with my best friend will suddenly have a change of heart and not accept me, and then him and I won't ever have time for each other anymore," he says, looking at Jihoon, who only laughs at him in response, shaking his head.

 

"But that's only an example of how wide the realm of possibilities in this world is!"

 

"Though the world around us may not fall perfectly into place like we ask or wish it to, I wouldn't want to be in a future where the people I love and treasure are not by my side."

  
"It's a selfish thing to hope for, I know. Detachments are what can make us realize that some things are just better off without them in our life. For me, though, if something has helped me grow and mature with no fail, never stopping, I don't think I ever want to let go of it. That something, for me, is home."

 

"Home can mean different things for everybody. I believe that not all of us can define it with much ease. For me, home is a lot of things. It's simple, but it's complex at the same time."

  
"Home is... home is fitting into my favorite pair of jeans. Home is slipping into a fresh, crisp duvet on a particularly chilly night. Home is the squeaking sounds my shoes make against the wooden floor of my practice foom. Home is my favorite SHINee song playing on eighty percent volume through my earphones," he says, which earns a small laugh from Jihoon.

  
"Home is the scent of the fabric conditioner my mother uses for the laundry. Home is my favorite ice cream flavor. It's vanilla, if you were wondering. And home is the sound of my best friend's laugh at the end of a long day," he quietly blurts out the last one, looking anywhere but at Jihoon. Jihoon feels himself shrink into his seat, face feeling hot.

 

"But, you know, I have that much decency not to confess my love to him through a graduation speech, for god's sake," he jokes, earning him even more cheers of encouragement than earlier in his speech, making him turn beet red until his ears.

 

"Ah, w-what are you all saying? It's not— you know— this is inappropriate," until he gets majority of the students chanting his name, and even some teachers as well. Jihoon earns a few nudges and back pats from the people he sits with.

 

"This is the youthful feeling, you know? Hah, stop that. I think he wouldn't exactly appreciate that in such a public space... you know, we still have things to work out," he says sheepishly, with all those who cheered now aww-ing, but Jihoon is glad that Soonyoung understands.

 

Soonyoung clears his throat. "This gives me a conclusion, you know. It makes me realize one thing. One truth. It's that, no matter how hard we try to forget, try to let go, or try to pass by something that truly meant a great deal to us, I think it will always lead us back home."

  
"My point is, when you realize what home actually means to you, you'll know that home is not perfect. It's supposed to be that way. Home is where you laugh. Home is where you cry. Home is where you grow and learn. You are nurtured with it. Home is not handed to you, ready-made and prepared on a silver platter, no. Home is an experience. It is built with love, and patience, and honesty. The real thing here is that when I think about all the things I call home, I know they all have the power to make me long them. They make me cry and laugh and make me experience so many emotions. Just like that classic saying."

  
"For home is where the heart is, everyone," Soonyoung says, smiling across the hall to meet Jihoon's gaze. The short-lasting silence makes everything seem to go in slow motion, but it's broken once there's a loud applause.

 

"Thank you. I hope you all have a great day. Party tonight! We made it!" which receives a chorus of cheer from girls and guys alike.

 

Jihoon has been fidgeting in his seat since the mention of him in the speech, so when Soonyoung has headed back to his own seat, Jihoon decides to go _fuck it_ , and gets up to pull him away, outside the hall, far from everyone else. The hoots and whoops and every possible sound made by the rest of the audience fill his ears, making him both want to curl up into a ball yet also boldly kiss Soonyoung right there on the spot, making this by far simultaneously the most embarrassing but exciting moment of his life, the adrenaline bubbling up in his insides.

 

They get outside and Soonyoung is panting, his cap off and a hand through his now black hair. "What—"

  
"Soonyoung! You're crazy!"

  
Said boy laughs. "You're even more crazy! You had the nerve to get us out of there? You're wild, Lee Jihoon."

  
Jihoon flushes at the use of word. "W-Wild?"

  
"It suits you."

  
Soonyoung earns a punch to his arm. "Ow! Sorry!"

  
"That was embarrassing, you know!"

  
"I do! That's why I didn't press on about it. Now _you're_ making me all embarrassed, pulling that stunt of yours."

  
"I couldn't stay still, you know. I had to do something about it. It would be dramatic if I left alone."

  
Soonyoung sighs. "I'm sorry about that, yeah? I meant everything I said though. I figured that my... my feelings for you— haven't exactly been a secret, you know, I think I've dropped enough hints to tell you I really, really like you, so that one a while ago was a really big hint, in case you haven't been getting any of it, I hope you already do now, because I wouldn't really like you if you were _that_ dense, but now I just realized everyone in our grade kno— mm!"

 

And Jihoon makes his move, standing up on his toes, covering the taller's mouth with his palm, and pecking the spot where Soonyoung's mouth would be without Jihoon's hand in the way.

 

"You talk so much, Soonyoung. I wanted to kiss you but I'll save that for later. Let's go somewhere after this is all over. Take it as my cue to do some... _confessing_."  
Soonyoung gulps, wide-eyed, and nods at him.

 

"Okay. Let's go back," the younger whispers, removing his hand, and taking Soonyoung by the wrist like earlier.

 

* * *

 

Jihoon didn't get picked for the speech, but that's fine, really.

 

For that's not what he should be thinking about at all, because things are currently going where they have never went before, and _that's_ what he's really worrying about, honestly.

 

Soonyoung and him are out on the busy lamppost lit streets of Seoul, all dressed up in thick layers, having skipped the big celebration party the kids in their grade held, and now the two of them are not really certain with where they're supposed to be going, but the cold air fogs up in front of their faces, their noses shaded scarlet, hands held and fingers rather shyly intertwined as they walk the same pace, and the night feels alright, and they both feel alright, and everything yet to come might just fall into place.

 

_I can do this._

_I can do this._

_You can fucking do this, Lee Jihoon._

_No more being too emotionally constipated._

_No more silly teenage angst._

_No more waiting for the right moment._

_Because it's me who's going to take that step,_

_And maybe I can make any moment perfect._

_No more running away from what I truly feel._

 

They arrive at some kind of park, with a lot of food stalls and people walking their dogs and a stage in the very middle of it, which has a sign that reads "OPEN MIC FOR ₩100" and a lightbulb goes off in Jihoon's head.

 

"Soonyoung-ah."

  
"Hm?"

  
"I kind of want to try that," he says, pointing at the stage.

  
"Open mic? Okay, then. Are you gonna sing?"

  
Jihoon smirks. "Nope. Watch me," before dragging him towards the area.

 

He walks up the steps, standing in the middle of the stage, before turning on the microphone.

 

"Okay," he breathes in, then out. "Hello? This is on now, right?"

  
"Yeah. Hi. Good evening, to anyone who might be listening."

  
He breathes in. "I came up here because I wanted to... to confess something. About this person," as he points down at Soonyoung.

 

"Soonyoung."

  
"Yes?"

  
"I didn't bring us here for me to get all touchy-feely gross emotional with you. I just— you know— I just want to be completely honest."

  
"In front of all these people?"

  
Jihoon breathes in deeply. "Yes. In front of all these people."

  
Soonyoung smirks at him. "I didn't know you were the exhibitionist type, Lee Jihoon."

  
"S-Shut up! It's— it's not like that! I'll have you know that it's not always that I get up and grow the balls to say something I especially dedicate to someone. Let alone you! Every time I take a look at you and your stupid face, I ask myself. Ask myself about so many, _too many_ things."

 

Jihoon realizes that there really is no turning back now. "There's so many but I don't think I can afford to say too much. Figuratively and literally. So I'll cut to the question I always ask myself."

 

"Why did things end up this way between us? I mean— I don't ask this in a really serious way. Just, like, in general. You and I met, like, six years ago," he chuckles. "I think that's crazy. Six whole fucking years."

 

"I remember the first time we met. First meetings and all— it's cheesy and cliché stuff, I know— but I really do remember it clearly."

  
"You were really cute, you know," he says, before laughing to himself. "You were a bright kid, and your eyes smiled along with your lips— something I found endearing, and you liked to participate in class a lot even if you didn't always get the correct answer. I mean— you still do, you know. You're still bright. Your eyes still do the same smile. You still do that habit during class and your goofiness instantly charms everyone," Jihoon says, conscious of the increasing number of people starting to tune in on his public confession, but he places his gaze only on Soonyoung.

 

"Anyway, you were even a bit shorter than me back then! Little did I know that that would be the only time you would be, and then you'd tower over me in no time."

 

"Talking about things in the past I spent with you feels really good and nostalgic. I don't really remember the exact point or moment in time when we started to grow closer to each other, but I do know it was because of you stealing my damn hangout spot!"

  
Soonyoung laughs at him. "I did _not_ steal whatever that place was!"

  
Jihoon scoffs in return. "You _so_ did! But whatever! Shut up! Can't you see I'm trying to give you words of appreciation for once? Twelve-year-old me wasn't gay _yet_ , or maybe he didn't realize it, but my point is that I really kind of admired you. And twelve-year-old me would be fucking disappointed if he learned that Soonyoung of the future was disrespecting him!"

  
"Okay!" Soonyoung says, smiling widely, hands up in surrender.

 

"So anyway, before I knew it, we had spent the rest of our middle school days closely-knitted together. We went to school together. We had our classes together. We ate lunch together. We went home together. Sometimes I'd go over to yours at the weekend, because mom and my father would argue a lot, and I just couldn't bring myself to be there at that time, so we'd play games, or we'd study, or we'd watch anime, or we'd just listen to music and talk about everything."

 

"Fast forward to when we'd spent one summer at camp when we were fourteen. I remember everyone wanting to be your 'buddy' in every single stupid task— tent buddy, campfire buddy, hiking buddy, clean up buddy, everything! But no,"

  
"Because you chose me. Even if that girl you said you had a crush on wanted to be with you, and I was telling you to go for it, _no_ , you chose me."

  
"I remember we set up our tent together, and we lay side by side at night, always getting scolded because our chatting would be so loud past bedtime. I remember we'd argue over who'd help cook and who'd help clean. I remember we went hiking once, and I slipped, and I sprained my ankle, and we still had so much longer to go, but you carried me up on your back the whole time, even when we crossed that scary river, even when we walked through the sinking soil, even when I got you all dirty from my shoes. But you didn't stop. You even told me to eat more because I weighed impossibly light. And I thought you were so _cool_ then."

 

"Before you open your mouth! I still think you're cool, okay? Sometimes you're a loser, and you act like a fool, but that's okay."

 

"When we were fifteen, things got worse at home. My father would beat mom and I would stay at yours for so long, making excuses that my parents were away for some business trip, and your parents grew to love me and I grew to love them too," Jihoon says, looking less at Soonyoung and more at the other people as well, gripping the microphone tighter.

  
"That year too, you came out to me. You said you liked both girls and boys and I was surprised because, wow that's really complex, but we agreed not to make too big of a deal out of your sexuality, so I didn't think about it much."

 

"...Sometimes he would beat me too. My father, I mean. But not as bad as he did with mom. Back then, I was so scared to stand up for both me and her. I didn't do anything. I just... I lost a lot of trust for people."

  
"Yet you would always notice when something was up with me," he says, gazing back at Soonyoung. "I remember that you almost cried when you found bruises and cuts on me. I remember that you almost never let me out of your sight for too long since then. I remember me begging you not to tell your parents about my situation, then you would lock us in your room and you'd patch me up whenever I got hurt again."

  
"You took care of me when my mom couldn't, and you worried a lot about me, and you always reassured me whenever I couldn't handle things on my own. You still do."

 

Jihoon takes in a deep breath. "Ah, god, what is this? All the people here are making me dizzy, all these strangers who suddenly know my story," he pauses and inhales again. "Okay. I'll go on."

 

"So, you know, things just came and went normally with the things that had followed. Well, me driving my abusive father to disown me so that mom and I can live together elsewhere wasn't exactly normal. Me getting traumatized and harming myself at sixteen, which made my mother take me to a doctor, where they found out what was wrong with me and why I went all fucked up, prescribing me pills I hated with a passion, wasn't normal either. My mother spending all her money and her life on me, which made me feel more guilty and depressed, because I was always such a stupid fucking burden to everyone's lives, wasn't even relatively normal. Me begging her to stop taking me to the therapists, because it was her who started getting sick from all the jobs she was trying to balance because of me and my fucking _disease_ we didn't have enough money for to pay, and she did, but in the end it was all for naught, leading to her passing," and before Jihoon realizes it, something is encasing his free hand, and he looks down to find Soonyoung's own holding his, as if a way of telling him it was alright. He sighs, feeling himself blush. "Okay, I'll admit it— nothing had been normal at all."

 

Jihoon parts from the mic, mumbling Soonyoung an "It's fine," and the latter gives his hand one last squeeze, before he lets go, unexpectedly receiving a few aww-s from the people watching.

 

"Don't do that, everyone! You'll encourage him."

 

"As I was saying, life has been hard on me for the past two years. I had changed to anything but normal. I'm eighteen, by the way. While everyone was out there, partying, celebrating their 'sweet sixteens,' experiencing their first bottles of alcohol, kissing each other, fucking each other, having all these firsts— I felt horrible, and I was having the worst time of my life..."

  
"...But you didn't leave me, Soonyoung."

 

"Which makes me ask myself. Why did you do all that— look after me, take care of me, protect me, and make me feel so fucking _loved_? Why do you still do it? It would be an endless cycle if you had kept this up. Why haven't you given up on me yet? I'm nothing special. I'm nobody special. I'm not worth anything."

  
"I make you get confused with me. I push you away all the time. I hurt your feelings. Whenever I decide to come back, and lower my walls, I get scared, and I run away, and I leave you with so many questions. I'm a terrible, terrible person. You deserve someone better than me to call a best friend."

 

"You've protected me from everything bad, but the only thing I had ever done is protect _you_ from _me_. It's unfair, isn't it? Don't you want to know why it's not fair?"

 

He closes his eyes, exhales, and grips the end of his jacket. "It's because I'm scared, Soonyoung. I'm so, so scared. I'm terrified of myself. I'm too hard on myself. I like to give myself a hard time," he says, voice breaking.

 

Jihoon urges himself to regain composure, before continuing. "I wanted to believe there was no point in living but to get hurt, so I carried and inflicted pain on myself. I wanted to believe that all good things were transitory, so I avoided most oppurtunities I think would put me in a good mood. I wanted to believe there wasn't anything wrong between the two of us. I wanted to believe that you only showed your affection toward me because you only felt bad for me. I wanted to believe that I wasn't supposed to feel anything special towards you. I wanted to believe I was nothing but a burden for everyone else."

  
"I wanted to believe there wasn't anything beneficial I could get from things I enjoyed or liked. My dedication for music and composing wouldn't guarantee me all my life's happiness, because baseball didn't. See? It's scary to think about things that way. Like, maybe my hate for my father won't last forever, but that for the world seems like it will. Cola is my favorite drink, but someday the company might be exposed by crazy people, and it will get banned, then I won't be able to taste it anymore, or something as crazy as that... And..."

  
"Mom might be gone, she might not be here with me physically, and what was left of her love might be something I still find difficult to grasp, but here I am believing that the love I am in great need of in order to spend each waking moment still wanting to live, is _yours_."

 

"Because little by little, I am believing! I don't want to _want_ to believe in something anymore! If that makes sense! I'm making small steps to learn to trust myself more every day, small steps to _believe_ in myself, small steps to _love_ myself!"

  
"Because I believe that it's _you_ who gives me reason to go on and live and believe that life can be a total bitch, but it will be okay if I learn to stop being so scared!"

  
Jihoon's close to breaking down now, and his heart is racing, but Soonyoung looks at him. He looks at him, and he smiles, mouthing an "I'm proud of you."

 

And the tears stream down Jihoon's face, because it's _him_. It was always him. "I-It's _you_! It's fucking you! Yes, you! Shut up. You're someone that has played a huge role in my life. I'm really thankful for that. You're my best friend," he pauses to wipe the tears off his cheeks. "You've seen me get wasted, seen me get angry, and seen how much uglier I get when I cry. And I'm crying right now!"

  
"And you put up with me no matter what. I wouldn't want anybody else but you to have the privilege of knowing these things about me. Is it weird to say that you're like my soulmate? I would use that to describe you, but, well, you're more like my home. Scratch that— you _are_ my home," he tells Soonyoung, for all the other people tuning in to hear, for the whole world to hear, and there's a moment of silence proceeded by a chorus of applause and hoots.

 

"So tell me, Kwon Soonyoung. Tell everyone. Why did things end up this way between us?" he asks, handing Soonyoung the mic.

 

He laughs into the mic. "Suddenly I feel pressured to say something really beautiful. But I'll say what I think feels right," and Jihoon gives him a reassuring nod.

 

He continues, "I think it's because we are our own persons. It's because I am me, and you are you," he laughs again. "It's lame, right?  
Jihoon takes the mic. "I think it's cheesy, but it makes sense."

  
"Because if I were different, maybe you wouldn't even like me. Maybe we wouldn't be friends. I'd spend my life without knowing you."

  
"And if you were different, I don't think I'd be able to find anyone who'd balance me out and complete me. You bring out both the best and worst in me, I guess. The yin to my yang?"

  
Soonyoung asks for the mic. " _That's_ cheesy. And forcing gender roles, you dumb," he says, rolling his eyes. "But do you mean you're glad to be you?"

  
Jihoon stares at him, crouched down on the stage with the mic pointed toward his mouth, as he thinks, then goes, "Yeah. I believe I'm glad to be me. It led me to you."

  
"Well, in that case," Soonyoung says. "I believe I'm glad to be me too. I'm glad to have found you as well. I think you are irreplaceable, Lee Jihoon," and the crowd is cheering for them, and what the fuck, the two of them can't believe what they've just done publicly?

 

"Not to pressure you or anything, Jihoon, b-but,"

  
"Whew. Okay. Let me breathe first,"

  
He inhales, then lets out a foggy breath. "I just want to say that I'm really in love with you," the taller says, facing Jihoon, pinching his left cheek afterwards. "You're— you're pretty and you're talented and you do your best and you render me in awe without even trying. Y-You're a lot of things to me," and his face is all pink, "I think that you are my home as well."

  
"...I wanted to get that across to you for some time now, but I didn't even consider the fact that maybe you didn't know how to respond to that. And you don't have to yet! I just— I just wanted to say it. Because it feels right."

  
Jihoon blinks, face slowly turning the same shade as well, as he yanks the mic from him. "Well, you're right! All those fucking times you told me that— I was so unsure of how to respond, you idiot!"

  
Soonyoung yanks it back. "I know! And I'm so sorry! I don't want to rush you at all! I never did! So it's alright if you don't say anything now! It's my punishment."

  
"...But what if I do, you idiot?"

  
"...What if you what?"

  
He flicks Soonyoung on the forehead. "What if I do have something to say back?" and Soonyoung looks at him, his expression anticipating.

 

"What if I feel the same way, huh? What if I want to be with you so bad too? I bet you didn't think about that."

  
"Because I do. I fucking do! I want to spend every waking day and before I go to sleep knowing that I'm with you! Isn't it that obvious yet? Even after I said that I long for the love you've always given me? That you were like my soulmate? That you're my home? Do you have to keep thinking I only mean that platonically?"

  
He stands back up, feeling hotness travel from his cheeks to his nape, before saying, "I love you too, dumbass."

 

And that's Jihoon's first time to Soonyoung's five times.

 

And the smaller boy drops the microphone, the static whining as he covers his burning face, his thoughts running oh-my-god-what-did-I-just-fucking-do, but quick footsteps reach his ears, and suddenly he's lifted up in a big embrace, and it's _him_ , and Jihoon wraps his arms around him too, and he doesn't want to let go.

 

"Lee Jihoon! I love you!!!"

  
And Jihoon's head is spinning and his face is warm and his legs are having a hard time balancing himself up, then as if on command, Soonyoung wraps his legs around his waist, but Jihoon lightly slaps Soonyoung's chest, as if saying, "We're in public!" yet he just hides his head under Soonyoung's raised coat hood, and he mutters a "God, I love you too," against the crook of his neck.

 

Soonyoung runs his fingers through Jihoon's dark hair, before saying, "You mean the whole world to me, you know. I love you sooo much," then pecks him on the forehead.

  
"N-No, no, Soon— not in public," he mumbles, into his hands that covered his face.

  
"As much as I respect you and your preferences, Ji, me as the attention whore I am is _so_ down to suck your gay face off in front of all these people."

  
"S-Soonyoung! You're so— you're so scandalous. You're lucky I do love you, because I wouldn't appreciate you sucking my face off _at all_ , thank you very much, because what the hell, the term making out exists for a reason, you filthy exhibitionist."

  
"Only for you," he replies, before going in and capturing the younger's lips in a deep kiss, the enthusiastic glee of the crowd forgotten, because what mattered was the two of them, what mattered was this, what mattered was the now.

 

And Jihoon gets it— gets an epiphany— gets that _after all this time, he only had to make himself glad he was himself_.

  
Who really was he, though?

  
If you had asked him that the previous year, I'm pretty certain he'd tell you to fuck off. It'd go like, "Uh, my name's Lee Jihoon. I'm an aspiring composer and a high school senior. What are my interests? I said I liked making music. Is that all? Yeah, that's all. Do I like myself? Hell no, I fucking hate myself. I'm depressed and self-destructive and good for nothing. You what? You want to ask more about me? Fuck off."

  
But now, in this moment, Jihoon wants to tell the whole world that he _is_ Lee Jihoon.

 

_Hey. I'm Lee Jihoon._

_I graduated high school today, and in a few months' time I'll be in college, and I'm really scared_  
_and really excited at the same time._

_My interests include making music. It's the major I'm gonna take up. I like to sing too. And I like playing video games, and I like coffee._

_Do I like myself?_  
_Well... it's— I'm, uh, still working on it. I used to battle the big D. And by that, I mean depression, you filthy minded person._

_Anyway, I still am fighting this stupid thing, and I still feel down on some days, but because I'm learning to accept who I am, I believe I could say I'm getting there._

_Why the sudden change of heart?_  
_Well, it's because changing is the most probable thing on this universe. We cannot avoid it. My best friend of six years changed everything. He— we kissed one night. He made me feel like something I had never felt before. I'd never been in a relationship. I was new to a lot of things that normal people my age had already experienced._

_It was a big change, because prior to that happening, our interactions had gotten more and more intimate. Some things had been building up, tension pent up in both of us. It's pretty gay, I know, since because of that, I realized what I actually felt for him. I assessed our relationship— I assessed myself._

_I asked myself, "If he hadn't been the person he meant to me, if he hadn't been the person that had grown on me and guided me and protected me and showed his love for me for so long, if he hadn't taken that extra risk between the two of us, if he hadn't been himself all this time, would I have felt this way for him?"_  
_And I believed myself, without hesitation, that the answer was no._

_Which made me think, "If I hadn't been the person I meant to him, if I hadn't been the person that had relied on him and made choices because of him and thought about him when making songs and looked at him as the only thing that kept me going forward when things were hard, if I hadn't confused both him and myself with my indecisiveness and my fear of commitment and my compulsiveness and every single one of my negative traits, if I hadn't tried so hard to be what people who barely knew me wanted me to be, a normal teenager whose head wasn't knocked up and grew up in an environment that wasn't mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive, would things ever end up like this?"_

_"If I had been myself and accepted myself all along from the start, say, when I got diagnosed, would I be able to love myself just as much as I loved Soonyoung? Would Soonyoung love me more as myself? Or had he already known all this time whenever I would put my masks on, because he knew me well? Because he knew which Jihoon he fell in love with? Or maybe my masks are all part of who I am, but Soonyoung had fallen in love with all parts of me anyway? Because I think love is irrational like that."_

_I don't think I, nor Soonyoung, will ever really know the answers to these questions, but now that he's holding me in his arms and I am holding him in mine, and it feels like the two of us against the world like it has always been, and I believe like I can do anything with him here with me._

_Because no matter what happens, Soonyoung is Soonyoung._  
_No matter what happens, I am who I am._

 

And although nothing they had to go through to get to the moment where they are now was easy— easy is an understatement— Jihoon and Soonyoung both believe that this is where they were supposed to eventually be. No matter how surreal or ridiculous or unrealistic the way they came to be was.

 

They say that the world works in a funny way, after all.

 

Even if the people throw money at them after they've let go of each other and they use it to pay for that long ass public speech because apparently every curse word cost an additional ₩25;

  
Even if Soonyoung's parents and all their friends endlessly hype them being together up when they break the news to them because, _finally_ ;

  
Even if they start sending each other cheesy as fuck or sweet as fuck texts on the daily (there is no in between);

  
Even if they start planning out going to the university they've wanted once they've both gotten in;

  
Even if they move out to move to the bigger hell that is college and start learning to survive on their own broke asses;

  
Even if their being roommates plan doesn't go as well as they'd hope, but still they make a ton of great new friends and have time for each other;

  
Even if they wake up naked and covered in each other's bites and scratches one morning in the same bed and get embarrassed of _last night's occurances_ ;

  
Even if they pull hellish all-nighters every semester together;

  
Even if they go through the best moments of their lives and the ugly obstacles of the harsh reality in between;

  
And even if life's realm of possibilities expand more and more each day for the two of them;

 

They would still believe that _this_ is where they're supposed to be. But exactly what is 'this'?

 

I believe that it is home, where their hands are tightly held, where they grow and love and make each other better people, where the paths to their dreams and promises are being walked on to be fulfilled, and where both of their hearts are beating together.

 

You can go lose yourself, take the less familiar road, make yourself forget, even walk through the universe twice, but home is where your heart will always stay.

 

That's how they came to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap.
> 
> i told you it would be a messy shitstorm.  
> and i can't really do endings, as you can see  
> and this last chapter seems rushed af, maybe because i wrote this in the span of one fuckin week,, then decided it was sooo bad, so i took two more weeks to edit
> 
> but as much as i enjoy degrading myself, i sincerely thank all of you who have supported and read this— from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> i cannot express into words all the emotions i have felt while writing and completing this fic, which is the first one i have dedicated so much of my time and real, honest thoughts on, and is technically also my first work i have ever published and didn't chicken out of
> 
> i know that this is really bad (for me it is) and that one day i'll look back at this and i'll ultra mega cringe, but it's The Now™ that i believe matters
> 
> honestly i wasn't planning this story to go the way it is now at all  
> i originally planned it to be really simple, just short sweet drabbles showing highlights of soon and ji's relationship, ultimately leading to them getting together—just your typical high school best friends AU  
> it was supposed to just be like that because it was only for me to stretch practice my writing ability, which explains why the first few chapters are honestly really bad, like what the fuck was i thinking .
> 
> but because of the encouraging comments i had gotten, i guess it made me just ~go with the flow~ and write to my heart's content
> 
> so i did.
> 
> i think that i had really reflected myself into what i have written in a span of nearly four months' time  
> like,,, the stuff i went through this whole period of time wasn't exactly the best, like, my real life was busy and it made me anxious a lot of the time, and my emotions had been acting up a lot  
> but don't worry about me !!! sure i beat myself up (figuratively!!) whenever i can't handle life but it's alright lmao ,,, shit happens and we're all forced to learn how to deal with it  
> and i believe that i learned to cope with it through writing, which i have found to be something that releases my emotions in the best way. it's really helpful. even if english isn't my first language
> 
> i also noticed that the concept of 'home' has been a recurring theme in two of my fics, namely this one and my christmas one-shot 'much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing' and i realized that while editing this and i was all like :O ohmy gOD !!!!!  
> the other thing they have in common is that they both have sucky rushed endings .  
> kidding lol
> 
> because i'm honestly a pretty closed off person in real life, and i don't particularly like showing people i know irl my interests and my passions because i'm really conscious and insecure about it, on here i feel like i can do anything that's why i'm so glad and it means so much to me when i see people saying they enjoy reading my works !!
> 
> giving out my most special thanks to:  
> ▪andy!! my irl friend, who has supported this and has given me words of encouragement and hype even before i published this,  
> ▪kate!! also my irl friend who has encouraged me to write more and is proud of me for doing something i love and tells me she'd read this (even if she hasn't til now, bc she's busy),  
> ▪kaye!! another irl friend who has read this and has even downloaded it into a pdf file, fuckin extra,  
> i love you and i miss you mga gago babes (except u kate, halos araw-araw tayo nagkikita HAHAHA lol jk), are yall reading this rn?? :(
> 
> also to:  
> ▪ao3 user katerinavenaki, aka kat on twitter, thank you for supporting me, telling me u liked the 3rd chapter which is the one i REALLY hate omg i'm rly thankful ;;;;;;  
> ▪ao3 user notjustahoeforhoshi, whose name i just realized i don't know yet, who has supported me and my other fics on both here and twitter aaaa thank u so so much <33  
> ▪and gwyneth on twitter, thank you loads for the appreciation and interest you've shown, and because i met you through your fic recs thread where i found two of my works!! i'd like for us to talk more, you're a good person huhu :')))
> 
> aaand thank you all so much for tuning in on my writing progress. like,,, have i improved? what parts do i still need to work on? am i still as bad as i always have been?  
> i don't really know, but what matters to me is that i'm proud of myself for fulfilling something <333
> 
> i'm so cheesy, i know
> 
> i'll really miss writing this.
> 
> but do anticipate my upcoming fics! i'll work harder to write better!! it would also mean so much to me if you checked out my other works (shameless promo)
> 
> find me on twitter @prlnceksy (shameless promo pt. 2)
> 
> and don't forget to support seventeen's comeback with their special album director's cut and its title track 고맙다 (thanks)!!!!!!!! it's rly good !!!!! ended 2018 !!!!!!!!
> 
> ♡ thank you all so much for your time and love ♡
> 
> — until next time, everyone.


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